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Thursday, April 2, 2009 12:00 AM

Here's a stupid way to fix the banks: Change the rules!

Wall Street cheers up after accounting standards are weakened. Presto: Sick banks stage a miraculous recovery.

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  • Thursday, April 2, 2009 03:16 PM

    Beanie babies!

    Hallelujah on the decepti...er....the accounting rule change. Let's party 'cause apparently now I am rich. Why am I rich all of a sudden? Easy!

    See, I sort of inherited some stuff a former wife left after a divorce, in this case a box full of extraordinarily valuable Beanie Babies. (Remember those?) That box has been sitting in storage for years, mostly because I never got around to digging down and throwing them out. Boy, am I glad now that I held onto those darling little bits of cloth and...beans?

    If there is an inactive market, the market for Beanie Babies is it. So instead of valuing these things for what they are worth...er...at the going rate in an inactive market, I've decided to use my judgment and value them according to what they are really worth when the market for them comes roaring back as surely it will. (It will, won't it?)

    Now that I get to adjust my books to reflect the real value of these assets, I'm sure (Sure I tell you!) that some of these big banks and financial institutions will be beating down my door to offer me no-recourse loans against the true value of these assets.

    No wonder the stock market is rising. Obviously we are all surrounded by assets with enormous hidden value which, in an active market, are truly worth much more.

    Have a box of buggy whips? Well, that market is not all that active these days but you and I both know those really nice buggy whips are worth at least ten times the going rate. Or maybe you have, oh, I dunno...let's say you have your own invention lying around...maybe it's a machine that produces unlimited free energy through the harnessing of perpetual motion. We all know what a bitch it's been trying to find an active market for something like that. Mark that baby up to it's true value and head on down to Citigroup or Government Sachs for a non-recourse loan. If you can't pay it back, then yeah, you'll lose your machine, but the bank will be sitting pretty 'cause they will be able to hold it until its true value becomes apparent in an active market.

    We're rich! All of us. RICH! Hallelujah!

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