Now there's a really stupid idea.

Do you have to ask the person what the number is on their bracelet so that you don't taze the entire plane? Well, or do you taze the entire plane because one idiot decides to question authority, or some fat agent sits on the damn remote and triggers the tazing...

How long until the hackers figure out the frequencies and make their own 'black boxes' to trigger them during the flight. Does the flight crew wear them too? What about the agent? They could 'snap' too...

Why not just drug people and stack them on pallets. Wouldn't it be easier? The airlines would save money on food and flight attendants and troublemaking drunk women from New Jersey...

i went through a smallish airport in poland recently, and i was impressed that the scanner-dude hunted down my nail clippers (which had been through probably 10 to 20 scans at various airports).

it wasn't the nail clippers he didn't like, it was the little fold-out nail file/pick tool!

that's a 2" long blade, you know.

the guy was cool though, he let me snap it off and throw it away.

that way i could keep the clippers.

fred

Here are some other original ideas for you to write about:

-Soccer will never catch on in America as a spectator sport

-American students lag the rest of the world in science

-CEOs and ball players make too much money, teachers too little

-Dependence on foreign oil is bad

-Michael Jackson is weird

You're dangerously close to becoming Glenn Greenwald whining about FISA. Sure, he's right, but that doesn't make me want to read his 167th 15,000-word polemic on the subject. But he's supposed to be a boring writer. You have no excuse.

Please get back to your exquisite writing about flying, preferably sprinkled with many references to Husker Du.

And fer chrissakes, what DID cause the smoke on the Boston-PEI run?

I never have trouble with the TSA. I like to think I'm a cool, sort-of-possibly-dangerous guy, but they always let me through. I send stern e-mails to the White House, and I even googled a possible trip to Cuba, but they never have put me on any of their lists, and I always cruise right on through.

I even buy one-way tickets, but it's always just, "Have a nice flight." I am a little disappointed not to seem more dangerous.

P.S. I recommend you all check out one-way tickets. Many good deals plus ultimate flexibility. The era of the round-trip may be over.

Of course! Don't you remember elementary school?

"Well, you're all just going to sit here until the person responsible admits to putting the tack on my chair."

and

"SOME people couldn't play with these toys without shoving, so now NO ONE gets to play with them. I hope you're happy , because you're ruined it for everyone."

That last sentence should read,

"SOME people couldn't play with these toys without shoving, so now NO ONE gets to play with them. I hope you're happy (glares darkly at responsible parties), because you've ruined it for everyone."

Want a weapon far deadlier than just about anything the TSA would take away from you, short of a gun? Do this: Take any 5 cent recordable CD, and place it on its edge between the floor and your shoe. Slowly step on it, breaking the CD. The resulting shards of CD are sharper than most knives -- definitely sharp enough to be threatening.

I'd guess that most passengers who carry on a laptop are also carrying this potential weapon with them.

Maybe the way to get this to change is to get the airlines to complain about it. To do this, you'll have to get them to notice, which means costing them money. I figure you'll have to ask for a knife on every flight, which will then get removed during your next screening. The airlines, perpetually short of money, will surely notice the rise in the cost of cutlery and investigate. When the finally trace the problem to you, explain you're trying to save the airline money by reusing your utensils, but the TSA keeps taking it away from you, constantly requiring you to appropriate a new knife. At that point, the easiest thing to do would be for the airlines to lean on the TSA to save their bottom line, because they obviously can't keep operating with all these unnecessary costs, and just to make sure they'll put their highly paid lobbyists on the job. After the congressional hearings on TSA confiscated butter knives, where you're called to testify, TSA will be pressured to drop the butter knife ban. But only butter knives. Cheese knives will still be prohibited.

I can't wait to read about the results in a future column.

Patirick, I actually enjoy your harping and agree with everything you say about the TSA. I used to be a pilot slogging my way through the process too. But remember one very important reality. Even as pilots, our identity to TSA "strangers" is not reliable yet and so they are forced to mis-trust everyone. Until you get the TWIC (Transportation Workers Idenitfication Card) which promises to be accepted by the system as a valid check of your true identity, then you'll be going through this for a long time. Me? I'm "retired" and no longer have to suffer the idignity of being a suspected terrorist 777 Captain.

These guys can do anything from full body searches to arresting you if you object. You're a pilot and you can't even stand up to them effectively. I have to admit that going through airport security scares me. I feel as if I might say the wrong thing and be singled out for... who knows what. I know it isn't common, but it does happen. At the very least, if I make the wrong noises they could hold me until I miss my plane and mess up my trip.

Going through airport security is a lot like an IRS audit. We don't have to do it often, but we dread it and recognize that when it happens we are completely vulnerable. I would not fly, but there are places I want to go that I simply can't visit without flying. Who can take the time to always travel by boat or train?