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• Thursday, July 10, 2008 10:18 PM

  You can't take a butter knife, but I can take...

  ....a circular knitting needle on board pretty much any airline. No kidding. Did it last weekend. I took aboard a circular knitting needle. Made of metal. It has pointed ends and a really strong cord between the metal. pointed. ends (queue horror-movie music). I, a 5-foot, 6-inch, weight-workouting woman, can take a circular knitting needle aboard an aircraft. If I lose my sh!t, I could just zip that half-finished sweater off that knitting needle and take out someone's eyes and then garotte them. Or just the former. Or just the latter. Or, I could, really-fast, force my super-full plastic airline cup full of tomato juice over my seat-neighbor's nose and mouth, and with my seriously strong (remember: weight workouts) other arm make sure they couldn't dislodge it, and drown them. Right there in the seat next to me. And then I could take my circular knitting needle and ... never mind. If I continue, I may be prevented from flying at all in the future. No telling where the airline cops get their info. The upshot: Better start checking passengers for weight-lifting physiques, and divert the muscle-bound ones to Amtrak. They'll take anyone. And you'd better stop that whole drink-cart thing. They present a real terror threat. Hey maybe if you stop the whole drink-car thing, you could cut the airline attendant head count by half. Quick! Call a meeting.

  —ADK Read ADK's other letters
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