Can't you answer at least some of them? I confess I'm working on the dog-hair one myself. I'm thinking the hair can be found on every other suitcase in the hold.

Titles of forthcoming movies, based on letters to Ask the Pilot:

1. Large Zoo-Type Animals on a Plane

2. German-Austrian Neurological Issues on a Plane

3. Fighter Jets on a Plane

4. 3:10 to Houston or Perhaps Mexico City

5. Where Are the Dog Hairs of Yesteryear

6. The Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon

7. Bollocks on a Plane

8. Fuck the Airlines

9. From Vizag to Dum Dum

10. The Wingspan of Angels

The pilot writes: "Planes do not jettison fuel except during emergencies."

I was on a flight in which our wing-lift thingies were stuck. We could not climb above a certain altitude, and we had to turn back. Instead of jettisoning fuel, though, the plane circled for 4 hours with its landing gear down. Boy was that fun! Finally we landed, with several fire engines and other emergency vehicles racing alongside us till we stopped safely.

So... Why didn't we jettison the fuel?

Also, how many others have been in scary situations like this? I've been through at least 3 are-we-going-to-die plane flights. In another one, an entire engine suddenly shot noisy, "foom"-ing flames out the back for several seconds before dying, at which point all the lights went out and the pilot made a dramatic turn back toward our departure point.

Why do I get the feeling this happens a lot more than we hear about in the news? Are airlines required to publicize the number of near-miss scenarios that occur, and if so, where is such information available?

Given their flammability and potentially explosive nature, I think you may have uncovered a major in-flight security risk!

You know, the dog hair thing is interesting. My guess is it was radiation that removed the static. But not from an X-ray machine; it was rather cosmic radiation received during the flight. Where did the hair go? It just fell off the case in the luggage hold. The short article below lends this theory some credence.

http://www.epa.gov/ttnamti1/files/ambient/pm25/qa/static.pdf

Just be grateful the hair is gone. If it stays on the luggage long enough, it starts to develop dandruff, and then you get - oh, no! - Flakes on a Plane.

... the answer to the one about what percentage of fuel is used for take-off. It is probably un-answerable as asked, but if formulated as liters or gallons/min for different parts of a typical flight, maybe?

Fuel-economy in general is an interesting topic. More on that, please. Tell us stuff we didn't even know to ask about!

I wondered why I would read this column. Today I realized that I just miss my father, who was a funny pilot too.