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• Friday, August 17, 2007 07:15 AM

  Tito, get me some tissue

  Honestly, Kaufman, you're kind of whining like my four year old does when it's a bit past his bedtime. All the hand-wringing and "conflicted" emotion about your juiced home run swatter, the did-he-or-didn't-he melodrama monotonously pounded upon by you press types over and over like Brittany Lohan or Princess what's-her-face is making me barf.

  I'm a lifelong Cubs season ticket holder. I sit on the right field wall and in 98 when Slammin Sammy would open each game by tearing into right field like a half-crazed, blood thirsty wild boar, my out of town friends would, having seen this pharmacutical wonder up close and in person for the first time, first go crazy, then wonder out loud; "What is THAT guy taking?" Sammy was un-Godly huge. His neck and head looked like a Mies van der Rohe with legs looking like Lou Farigno. His bat speed was incredible. But everyone I knew, knew the guy was on something. We loved watching him none the less--and McGuire too.

  Today, things have changed for the better. So tell your bus loving boy the truth. Bonds shot steroids in his rump and we all loved the results. Now he won't come clean and we're pissed at him. But he's still one of the best ever. Now zip it and watch closely because this is the perfect pitch count for the ol hit and run...

  —mattmclain Read mattmclain's other letters
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