Letters to the Editor
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my acceptance speech
ladies and gentlemen, thank you for putting this trust in me.
with that in mind, i would like to now apologize for any extramarital affairs i may or may not have had, which i do or do not now remember, whether heterosexual or homosexual in nature, including any temporary bouts with pedophilia. similarly, if i ever patronized a prositute, whether knowingly or unknowingly, i now apologize. also, although i do not recall murdering anyone, if i did, i not only do not deny it, but heartily regret it. and if i ever accidentally started a war in a foreign country and got us entangled, i apologize.
thank you for your understanding.