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• Tuesday, September 9, 2008 05:32 PM

  That Moose Was Photoshopped!

  Dear Salon:

  Ooooh, I hope that your name reflects your industry: Hair, nails, French tips, acrid and poisonous scents that invite future pleasure. . .Thank you for the fantastic photo. (I had it on file, but somehow you, the "nice" part of the media, retrieved it. The Pentagon, perhaps?)

  I did not actually read the article. 'Cause I have far too many responsibilities. Like, "actual" responsibilities. As you know, America, I am on a trailblazing Maverick 4-runner Bridge to. . .Change! Thanks, but thanks! Yeah, I'm congenial (see my references), but I'm Pitbull nice. 'Cause, pitbulls, unlike, say, wolves or naked mole rats, don't let go. They hold onto their prey (who has NO responsibilities)and just jaw at the jugular 'til the prey gets too "disorganized." Smile. And he, dead, even has LESS responsibilities! Well, I'm not a math whiz, but zero minus less equals something less than zero, ya?

  The Dead Zone Media wants me to actually "play their game" and talk without a prompter. Ya know what I think about that? I'm gonna tell them (nicely) that, as Mayor of Wassila and Gov of AK, that we don't need you guys. I can see the Ruskies when that helicopter gets real high; exhaust 'em enough, and game's over. I mean, all of 'em. All ya need is a high scope, a good gun, and ya run 'em to death. But I won't tell the "Media" that, okay, good Nail Polish Place? I'll just say: "That's hypothetical and therefore I can't answer it."

  God, I'm good. Good, I'm God. Funny, that one little "o."

  After 5 colleges in 6 years, I've seen two black people, so I know who my opponent is. Actually, they may have been Grizzlies--I shot 'em just to make sure. That's the nice thing about snow. Ya can't run around getting welfare checks without being seen.

  Dear Salon, I will need servicing before my Debut with the Media slut Gibson. And, please. Change the Moose character. I don't whip Bullwinkle. Shot that smarmy bastard two years ago.

  xx,

  S

  —pasofina Read pasofina's other letters
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