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This is lovely. I felt like a cello on a long extended minor chord. No doubt you have a complicated relationship with beauty. So far beauty is what sustains me, ironically, my own loss just forces the exploration of other ways of seeing. It really is just another kind, more of exactly what you describe. Humour. Not bluffing yourself, truly.
I hope this is not so very much about your uncomfortable view of your insides?
Laugh, the depth of it I believe is way more than we can make our little brains go, And that really is outrageous. Isn't it?