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Consarn it all, man! Never in all my years have I had the misfortune to glance upon a piece of writing so bereft of all sanity, morality, and common decency! Mr. Kamiya, you make me want to go to the bathroom on your doorstep! Your words inspire me to let the air out of your automobile tires! Your mind-numbingly insipid rubbish of a so-called essay leaves me little choice but to wish that unpleasant events will happen to you in the future! I'm so unbelievably angry about what you say that I fear I must end this letter here, for I cannot go on. Gary—what a STUPID name—please go away and be sad. I hope you forget your mittens when you leave the house tomorrow, exposing your hands to the icy wind! And may your lips become chapped by it also! That'll show you, you dastardly, deceiftul, heartless man! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!
(This has been one of the first in what is sure to be a long line of parody responses to this article. Please enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you.)