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• Monday, February 23, 2009 02:29 AM

  Same report: written 2000 years ago

  Jesus of Nazareth executed himself after receiving minor injuries while resisting arrest, sources say. Unnamed sources close to Pontius Pilate's select commission on alleged abuses at Golgotha say the suspected insurgent, also known as Jesus Christ admitted his involvement in subversive acts. The commission was set up to look into allegations of harsh treatment that some consider to be crucifixion. According to memos written by Pilate's chief legal advisor, Jesus Christ was not actually crucified, but nail-boarded, which is not only legal, according to sources close to the investigation, but necessary for imperial security.

  Similar claims of what some consider torture and execution at the hands of the Roman Army have arisen before, with allegations of scourging, beating, crucifixion and if some of the more extreme allegations are to be believed, being killed by gladiators or torn apart by wild animals for public entertainment.

  In related news, a controversial new book claims that Gaius Julius Caesar was not stabbed to death by Cassius, Brutus and other senators, but rather a plot by Christianist fanatics. Numerous conspiracy theories about the death of Caesar on the Ides of March have gained popularity since the new regime of Octavian decided not to investigate the matter on the grounds that bi-partisanship with Republicans was more important for the future of the Empire. Republican senate leader Brutus welcomed Octavian's decision to ignore his base, who demanded justice for the death of Caesar...

  —Jelperman Read Jelperman's other letters
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