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• Sunday, February 17, 2008 07:51 AM

  Making The World Safe For Hypocricy

  Facing as we do the Transcendent Evil of All Time in the form of Islamic Terrorism, a threat that must be countered at all costs for the preservation of our lives and culture, I propose that the United States military drop all age and health restrictions on enlistment. This would give the most rabid defenders of Freedom the opportunity to participate directly in shoring up the bastions against the hordes of Terrorists besieging the nation. I'm in my late '50s and have a bad knee, but that really wouldn't stop me from toting an assault rifle down a street in Bagdad, if I was so inclined. President Bush and Vice President Cheney, the most dedicated opponents of Terrorism, will be going back to private life in less than a year. Why couldn't they be allowed to volunteer for duty on the front lines? President Bush is, we are told, in great physical shape, and Mr. Cheney, with a bad ticker, is unlikely to survive much longer anyway. Anal polyps really aren't much of a hazard, compared with IEDs, so Rush Limbaugh's request for active service ought to be honored. Yes, there are huge numbers of aging armchair warriors who would relish the chance to stand up for America and for Freedom in Iraq and Afghanistan. They have enjoyed lives of security and prosperity for decades and now wish, I am sure, to repay the debt they have incurred and allow other, younger men, the same sort of protection. So let us move ahead in dropping restrictions to enlistment and active service, to let all these paper-pushing patriots the opportunity to wield steel and lead against the enemy, to breathe the depleted uranium dust, to nobly advance the cause of Freedom against the All Encompassing Evil of Islamic Terrorism!

  —futhark Read futhark's other letters
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