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Saturday, February 16, 2008 12:00 AM

The Leader isn't protecting us and keeping us safe

George Bush warns of the grave dangers from allowing the Protect America Act to expire, even though he is the one who single-handedly ensured its expiration.

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  • Saturday, February 16, 2008 11:52 AM

    BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

    Jack Bauer yanks the steering wheel violently to the left, perilously crossing oncoming traffic and running several other cars off the road. Now that CTU's ability to secure an aircraft for him has been foiled by Al Gore and the ACLU, he will have to take more drastic measures.

    In the name of national security, he will have to commandeer one of John Travolta's private jets and fly it to Washington, DC. There, he will have to torture Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer into passing retroactive immunity for the telecoms that patriotically allowed the government to wiretap illegally. Otherwise, Jack Bauer knew, America's vaunted intelligence-gathering capabilities would GO DARK.

    Pushing the stolen Yukon to over 100 mph on the two-lane highway, Jack heads south, to Los Angeles, where John Travolta would be giving a keynote speech for a Scientology convention soon.

    Jack is thirsty from running, tackling, and commandeering for nearly 15 hours straight. He catches a glimpse of a package of child-sized bottles of Sunny Delight in the backseat, by the baby car seat. He tears a Sunny Delight free from the packaging, rips the lid off with his teeth, and chugs it in two seconds flat.

    Faster. He needs to drive faster! The Heritage Foundation FISA timer gives him only nine hours before the fate of the Nation would be sealed. But first, another Sunny Delight.

    *BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...*

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