This "family" you speak of. Let's for a moment junk your deformed, debauched, ossified, religio-historical-hysterical "definition" and turn for help to Merriam-Webster's Third International Unabridged Dictionary.

Main Entry: 1fam·i·ly Pronunciation Guide

Pronunciation: fam()l, faaml, -li

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): -es

Etymology: Middle English familie, from Latin familia servants of a household, household including not only the servants but also the head of the household and all persons in it related to him by blood or marriage, from famulus servant; perhaps akin to Sanskrit dhman dwelling place, dadhti he puts, places -- more at 1DO

2 a : a group of persons of common ancestry : CLAN ; specifically : a group of persons of distinguished lineage b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : RACE

3 a : a group of individuals living under one roof : HOUSEHOLD b : the body of persons who live in one house and under one head including parents, children, servants, and lodgers or boarders; specifically : a group of persons sharing a common dwelling and table considered for census purposes to include at one extreme a single person living alone and at the other the residents of a hotel or the inmates of a prison

5 a : the basic biosocial unit in society having as its nucleus two or more adults living together and cooperating in the care and rearing of their own or adopted children b : one's children c : a male and female animal with their young

(Note that the principal definition under 5.: "two or more ADULTS living together.")

This has all the bourbony whiff of pleasing you: not only is Webster's a venerated, antique, American-born-and-bred institution, but, in swabbing the gilt from your shitplate, I had to perform scholarship (honesty, in your pidgin) and practice enterprise (hard work, ibid.).

Helpful?

Judging by his past columns, I'm expecting him to answer your letter. It might go something like this:

Dear Wingnut,

After reading your column all these weeks, I now see that I have supported pure evil all my life, as a liberal. I realize I can never truly make up for all those flags I've burned and all those wars I haven't supported, but I still want to be on the side that isn't going to burn in Hell while yours watches us from above and laughs, which evangelists have told me will be the special and sweetest pleasure of the blessed. That's not for me! Please, tell me, how can I, too, become a conservative like yourself?

-- dust1969

First of all, thanks for all of the hate and anger last week. I found it all terribly interesting, really.

This week, Dust1969 wants to learn to become more like me, and other hard-working, family-oriented, values-centered conservatives. I'm flattered by the attention, and happy to answer.

First, give up the gay sex, at least until you become an evangelical preacher or a congressman, and then, keep it very quiet. If anyone finds out, marry a staffer.

If there is any footage of you burning your flags, deny that it exists anyway. Our base won't check up on you all that much, they'd rather just take your word for it.

A bowtie is preferable, but a modern necktie will work fine. Be sure to tighten it enough that it restricts at least 50% of the bloodflow to your head. This will help you to go with your gut. Remember, facts are for liberals, this is why they're boring and no one likes them. Bolos are strictly out unless you live in Texas.

Learn to speak without answering peoples' questions. This takes practice but it will become an invaluable skill if you become Press Secretary, or even a high-level campaign staffer. Study McClellan, Perino, and Dick Cheney. Bring up abortion as often as possible, this can't be stressed enough.

Pretend you never voted for Bush, because he's not a real conservative. In fact, you're pretty sure no one voted for him and it was just a glitch that he won twice, but it has nothing to do with the voting machines. It was probably somehow ACORN's fault. Remember that.

Sign up for the military if you want, but this isn't really all that necessary, just act like you have a constant broner for the troops. You can order posters of Bush in his flakjacket from my website.

I hope that helps.

(nah, on second thought, I guess that would be too honest for our wingnut. I'll work on it.)

--just act like you have a constant boner for the troops

Arrggh! Thank you again RI--hey Wingnut, while you're addressing the rest of the questions here--well, half of them are simply asking "hey, why didn't you and don't you answer Joe V.'s question?"--could you also tell us why on earth conservatives or Republicans have so much love from the military? Bush attempted to reduce their hazard pay, and to reduce their medical care as well, while pretending "we all know the GOP is the party that stands for what y'all stand for." This, when Kerry served in Vietnam, but Cheney got deferments and Bush got into the air national guard, and barely showed up even for that.

How in the hell did you guys get away with that? Shouldn't Kerry be the party that stands for supporting the military, and shouldn't Being Against the Troops be thought of as a "center-right" value, since Bush championed reducing their hazard pay?

Americans identify themselves as "conservative" in slightly higher percentages than "liberal" when given those choices. However, when asked about what they believe in, they show themselves to be what could only be called liberal or progressive in much higher percentages than conservative.

This has been documented many times and your examples were cherry-picked misleading nonsense. I could cite all of the studies and will link one good source to my signature here, but it's really not necessary because your own words make it clear:

The country, you write, "is not "liberal" in the Barack Obama/Nancy Pelosi sense of the word" .

Yet Barack Obama just won the election by a landslide.

So how does this work? Either Obama is not as liberal as you claim, or the country is.

Either way, as usual, your premise is basically defeated by your own words in the first few paragraphs.

What this amounts to is that the voters like the word "conservative" slightly more than the word "liberal", which has been demonized for years by the right and the media. (Yes, "the liberal media" is the big giveaway, since you hear it constantly, that's basically proof that it's anything but. Unless you think that it's the liberal media itself that's constantly calling itself that) yet the same voters are center-left in general, taken as a whole, meaning that the extreme right is averaged in too.

We don't need your theories or mine to see this, just look at the results. The Republicans became a fringe far right minority and lost all but the most fractional support, down to 20% now, and the only people who don't see that are those of you still furiously spinning.

Keep it up, as a Democrat I could only ask for your party to keep listening to you on the far right forever, it's a godsend for us.