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• Tuesday, January 22, 2008 08:31 PM

  This is your Creditor speaking

  Dear Sirs,

  Speaking on behalf of one of the East Asian economies whose lending has financed and indeed enabled your lavish lifestyles, we write to you as a concerned friend and long-standing business partner. We are starting to suspect that you are no longer ... how shall I put it ... good for the money. Things were still palatable under the previous Administration (what with a budget surplus and all) but ever since you collectively decided that unusually dim cowboys and their cronies best represented what you stand for as a nation, we may have to seriously reconsider our options. In particular, with the rise of China and India (each representing industrial powerhouses and potentially huge markets) there are now real alternatives.

  However, we would hate to leave a friend in the lurch, particularly in their moment of need. So we are willing to consider continuing to keep up the credit lifeline (albeit reduced). However, quid pro quo, we would like to see some reciprocity on your part. We have a few pet concerns that you might wish to address, and which will go a long way in convincing us to hold on to our greenbacks. Specifically:-

  a. Your contribution to climate change is embarassing. Your unwillingness to change is galling. While the rest of the world has long since realised the economic and ecological sense of driving smaller cars, you still insist on SUVs as a God-given right. We, unfortunately, have to share this planet with you, and the rising sea levels are making us uneasy. Please pull your own weight. And don't tell us you aren't signing Kyoto because you are 'pursuing technological solutions'. In the final analysis, your lifestyles are unsustainable (economically or ecologically) and some short term pain and long term lifestyle adjustments are inevitable. I believe the term in the American venacular is "Suck it Up";

  b. Please refrain from invading foreign countries if your intelligence is faulty, or you do not have the stamina to commit to a decades-long reconstruction project. And hire better reconstruction experts. And intelligence experts. And foreign policy experts (READ: NO NEOCONS). Actually, what say you fire all the hacks currently on staff and start from scratch?

  c. We understand that you have a long-term committment to Israel, and we admit that they are easily the most civilized nation in the neighbourhood. However, please give the Palestinians a fair shake.

  d. Quit the democracy doubletalk. Its very hard for us to stifle our sniggering when you talk about being the champion of democracy while having President Musharraf at your side. Or when you punish countries who have the nerve to vote the wrong way (Hamas). Or with your track record in Central and South America. What say you come clean and admit that you are the champion of your own national self-interests and will only intervene for the greater good if there are no negative reprecussions. Its quite alright. Thats what we do too, we just don't have the audacity to claim otherwise.

  We are confident that you were simply misguided by your current leadership. We understand. We've had our share of bad leaders too. Granted, our bad leaders were usually foisted on us at the point of a gun and occasionally with outside help(BTW, tell your CIA friend to stop looking nonchalant. He's not fooling anyone). We don't usually vote for them. But, hey, no one is perfect. The important thing is you realise the error of your ways and commit to your rehabilitation ... or else.

  Regards,

  The Fellas you owe SH*T loads of money to

  —khengsta Read khengsta's other letters
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