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"It was cold on Tuesday morning in Manhattan, and I was late for classes. I was a bit groggy from studying for my midterms and working full time at a marketing firm where I'd just made partner. I don't drink coffee, and in my morning haze, I didn't notice the messages piling up on my BlackBerry. Once I looked, I realized there was a lot of hate mail mixed in with the spam."
Suddenly, my throbbing loins stirred...
Actually the version that appears on Cpl. Matt's own website has a few flourishes that Salon's editors trimmed, denying us the full pleasure of reading:
"It was a cold morning in Manhattan and I was late for classes, despite being a bit groggy from studying for my midterms, and working full-time at a marketing firm where I just made partner. I don’t drink coffee and in my morning haze, I didn’t notice the MOUNTING messages on my OBSIDIAN Blackberry. I couldn’t distinguish the spam from the hate mail."
[CAPS emphasis added]
Perhaps there was some editorial confusion about what the heck "mounting messages" might imply?
Very possibly the funniest article Salon has ever published. Watch your back, Garrison Keillor. (And I mean that very literally... cover your ass, dude.)