Letters to the Editor
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Manly, Schmanley
I agree with the consensus thus far--this woman has no business raising a child, and reading about it is akin to oral surgery at the hands of a barber.
I think it's evident that DJD is some sort of Salon affirmative-action token, since there's little else to suggest she'll have much to say beyond "And now, as a black woman, *I* think..."
God, I am *so* glad I let the Premium subscription lapse. Lincoln Navigator ads I can stand, but not the knowledge that I've been well and truly ripped off.
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Yup
There may be something worrisome in your conflation of early girl rage and your thoughts about your boy. I agree, therapy is a good idea.
That said, thank you for this article. I have rarely read the feelings of pain at being second-class (or in your case, third-class) expressed so directly.
I share them. I understand them. It's a multilayered betrayal.
Rage has finally yielded. I'm too old, life's too short, and I love too many men too much to resent them. It isn't "them" anyway, it's only what they're taught and in that, we're all complicit.
Your boy could be a lucky guy if you listen to him a lot and ask him a lot of questions. Teach him that he cannot be less than he is, a full human being who would never disprespect his ow humanity by being petty enough to belittle women. (and tell him they're taught a lot of crazy stuff too, like trying to walk in stilts because it makes their butts wiggle. Tell him about bound feet in China, he'll get it.) And tell him he'll run into a lot of girls who have no idea of respecting themselves, and to look for one who does.
Likewise, you could tell your girl things like, honey, you can pick what you want. But you might wear a ball gown and shoes you can't run in once a year, but you could ride a bike every day.
Rage is fuel for change until the world is so full of it we realize we have to go inward instead.
Don't be afraid to do that.
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Why all the heat?
This was just a meditation on how tough it is to reconcile world view with the demands of raising children. I had fun reading it.
But, where does that strange, Parson Jim narrative about public schools beating masculinity out of boys come from?
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but...
I'm going to get reamed for this - I just know it - but...
I was with you up until the paragraph describing your son's "troubling moves." I was expecting you to ask what balance you should strike when your son refused to help with the dishes because grandpa never did, or something similar. When your son is hitting people, there is no confidence or patience expected of you. Make him stop, by whatever means you need to use to be effective.
Your son, unlike your daughter, will grow up to be a man. He will have more muscle mass than she has; his aggressions will be fueled by testosterone. You can afford to be patient with your "princess" because if she grows up a woman who refuses to do anything that might cause her to break a nail, that will be sad, but not criminal. If your son grows up to hit women who refuse to be his girlfriend, that will be criminal, and he will spend time in jail. Simple statistics demonstrate that he has a much higher chance of becoming a violent criminal as an adult than she has.
Of COURSE it is different when a boy does these things. It's your lessons now that will stick with him 30 years from now when he and his wife are in the middle of an argument.
By the way, I recommend that you and your daughter get together and design a trike-friendly princess costume. It's not true that you have to choose one or the other.
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I liked it
Like a *few* of the other letter writers I appreciated the honest look at reconciling ideals/pragmatism/ethics/personal. Its not a perfect world and the more people who acknowledged their past baggage the better it would be. I admire DD's bravery in her critical assessments of her own issues and the shortcomings of the various brands of feminism.
What many seem to be missing is that it is for love of her children that she reassess herself and her ideals.
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Narcissistic Disorder?
This piece confirms that feminists are the unhappiest people I know and are generally underachievers. Why is that? Because in their world everything is a "zero-sum" game. In order for "me" to achieve what I believe is equal status, someone else must always lose. There is no real focus on true and equal opportunity for all, or a program of self-improvement that takes time, only a heightened sense of entitlement. The author is overly concerned about personal hypocracy by raising a son and continuing to be true to feminist ideology. Once again, she is playing the zero-sum game by positioning herself as the "entitlee" and her son as the potential loser. Is this a description of a narcissistic personality disorder, or what?
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Echo
I don't have anything to say that M. didn't already, and Lara and Sister wrote beautiful responses as well. I just want to second them, and add my voice to those of the people who admire the courage of DJD's raw honesty, as well as that of many other writers on Salon. You're writing about very, very important issues; don't pay any attention to the bafflingly rage-consumed narcissisic masturbation so many who post here feel the need to indulge in.
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you are rightly gonna get reamed because if you teach boys never to hit girls but girls can freely express their anger by hitting as long as they don't do any "real" damage
(which is the inevitable interpretation that will be made if any sort of harder line is taken towards male aggression than what it taken towards equal female aggression) you are liable to end up with women getting hit harder in the end than they would under any other system.
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Need to find a man who is ...
It's important for your son that you start finding lovable, admirable qualities in masculinity - or, when he needs to differentiate himself from you, he'll construct his own version of those qualities that will probably be more Rambo than Rambeaux if you know what I mean.
It's also no less important for your daughter that you start finding lovable admirable qualities in masculinity or else you are dooming her to a life of seeking Mr Perfect Who Does Not Exist.
It's important for both your kids that you start finding real live admirable lovable men for them to relate to and be with so they know what a lovable admirable guy looks like and feels like to be with.
As a parent, you need to love everything about your son, including his gender.
Finally, this a thought provoking, intereting article from someone with a different perspective, skin colour, childhood, age and situation to mine. That's great. That's what I come to Salon for. Thanks.