Letters to the Editor
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feminism and boy hood
As a man raised by a feminist, I see my mothers struggles in your article. My mother was raised in a similar environment where her 5 brothers were held to a much lower standard than her and her 5 sisters were. when I was growing up, I could see for myself the conflicts my mom was having trying to raise me in a way that didn't conflict with her beliefs about how men should act. While there were many rocky moments in my childhood and adolescence, involving lots of lying and educational failure, looking back I know my mother is very proud of how I turned out. Between me and my little sister, I'll share a few things that I feel were formative for my feminist mother to raise a feminist son.
Equally dividing the chores between me and my sister helped instill a sense that everyone in the house needed to contribute.
Assigning both house work (my area of responsibility was the bathroom, my sister's the kitchen) and outside chores to me and my sister. My sister and I had to cook and clean up after one meal a week (my girl friend certainly appreciates this one). Finally my sister and I had to do our own laundry. All of this helped reinforce that there is no such thing as woman's work or men's work, and gave us both the skills it takes to be independent.
Encouraging me and my sister to get involved in dirt, sports, grit, long hikes, camping, and bicycle touring helped show me that women are just as capable as men at physical endurance and hardship.
Not actively encouraging or suppressing feminine or masculine behavior with us. My sister was undeniably the princess of the family with her frilly dresses, and my mom gave up on the no violent toys with me when I started biting my toast into the shape of a gun and using that. She settled on a no buying policy that left me to my own devices on getting toy guns and what not.
We were both taken to my mother's and father's work as children and teens. The take your daughter to work day really should be take your kids to work day.
Looking back at my childhood and adolescence things were not perfect, but I came out relatively unscathed and fully capable of making up my mind about women and how I relate to them. Now as i start into my
profession (or trade, being a nurse is a little bit of both) and look forward to starting a family and raising my own kids, I know who I'll look to as an example for raising children. Thanks mom.
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Narrow expectations.
“Manly man”? This drastically narrows the expectations of what is acceptable of the boy as he grows as a person.
I’m so thankful my Mom never once made me feel like there was an expectation of me to do masculine things. That I was likely to be gay and have a few somewhat feminine personality attributes was clear early on. My Dad was aware of it and so was I because of his distaste for it – as early as five years old I can recall being aware of this and feeling the shame my Dad felt. Shortly after I turned twenty-eight years old my Dad stopped talking to me. Not one word from him for six years now. I am left to draw my own conclusions about why since we had no big argument and always got along pretty well – that is, I always though he loved me despite his shame issues over my homosexuality, or rather, lack of overt masculinity. I hate him at this point. Insecurity about “manliness” and how my lack of whatever the fuck that is was more powerful than love for his own child.
My Mom’s expectations of me had to do with being honest and treating people with kindness. That was pretty much it and that’s still the only thing she expects of me. She probably did wish that I had turned out heterosexual, the BMOC and that whole bit. It is a privileged role in our culture and what parent doesn’t want their child to have a life full of privilege? But my Mom has had three of her four children die before she was fifty-five years old. I think things like “manliness” in her only surviving boy seem like the silliest consideration to ever make. I think she's happy to get a loaf of banana bread I baked for Mother's Day. I think she's happy to hear me worry on the phone if turned out OK because it was a new recipe. I don't think she cares that I spent my Saturday afternoon baking instead of a game of basketball with buddies. For all the things this says about my Mom, I love, respect and honor her for them. It is simply a natural, effortless thing to return the love and respect she's shown me.
Ms. Dickerson might think about what life would be like without her little boy or girl before getting so carried away in all this fret and worry over raising them to be a particular brand of masculine or feminine. Raise them so they won’t resent you for narrow expectations to earn your respect and love. Raise them so they never have to worry about their mom simply refusing all contact with them one day without a single word of explanation. Raise them as best you can to be honest and kind and no more.
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What about respect?
It's not a matter of hostility, it's a matter of choice. I already said I would love a gay child - what more do you want? You want me to lie and say this is what I would choose? I can't do that - but at least I'm honest, not like the liars here who say they'd welcome a gay son or lesbian daughter.
You would love a gay child, you said you wouldn't respect a gay child. What's up with that? Care to recant?
The sexuality of your child isn't your choice, just like hair color, gender, intelligence, a million other characteristics aren't either. To frame the issue as a choice is pointless.
I would love and respect my child a priori, no matter his/her hair color, gender or sexuality. I might lose some respect for a child who makes bad choices as an adult -- people are responsible for the choices they make. But I can't say i would respect and love a child less for something they had no choice about.
It seems cruel and unfair to punish children with less love and respect for something that is not their fault. Where is your American meritocracy spirit now, you flag-waving patriot?