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• Monday, January 5, 2009 06:28 AM

  All the Pretty Environmentalists

  So, here we are in the Sam's Club parking lot in Fort Collins, Colorado. Almost all the vehicles I walk past, once I've parked my Ford F-250 "Powerstroke" diesel pickup, are SUVs. Almost all of these bright FWD boxes belong to people who, ironically, hate WalMart and think of themselves as environmentalists. I am one of them. I hate Walmart but shop at Sam's. I favor a high gas tax to help wean us from the imported oil we all love to hate, but I hate ponying up to fill the forty-gallon diesel tank on my truck.

  In the Sam's Club parking lot, all the moms are beautiful, all the men successful. They all have bike racks on the backs of their SUVs and ski racks on top. Most of these folks are up to their eyeballs in debt, thanks in large part to the high price of buying, driving, maintaining, insuring, and pampering their overpriced sport utility vehicles.

  I hope the price per barrel of oil doesn't stay below $75.00, so we all don't backslide into SUV-Land when we need a new rig. Let's face it, we need greener cars. But I don't want to get rid of my beloved pickup truck, either. Looking at my truck, as I return with my goodies from Sam's Club, makes me feel good -- I feel big, solid, rugged, and handsome. Listening to that "Powerstoke" pumping out horsepower as I drive away makes my penis hard. And what man doesn't love that?

  Are we confused about SUVs? Sure. Will we sacrifice polar bears and our children's futures so we can keep driving them to hockey practice? You darned betcha we will.

  —DoctorGreeves Read DoctorGreeves's other letters
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