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2kids + dog means you could get around in a subcompact and have a comfortable seatbelt to spare. You could be driving around a Honda Fit and getting 40 mpg on the highway.
You acknowledge that you could get a minivan and have all that SPACE SPACE SPACE for hauling the little league team down the highway and get better mileage and safety. Why don't you? Because they are "lame." You've bought into the notion that you are too hip for the "minivan" set.
Guess what, you spawned two kids. You already bought into the mentality. If you're not willing to squeeze by in a subcompact or even a roomy sedan or station wagon like millions have managed to do just fine, then get a damn minivan already. I guess this is one way to write copy, but you're really not much better than the next guy who doesn't give a shit about the planet if you are armed with all this information and then knowingly go out and buy an SUV.
No brownie points for it being a "crossover" instead of a Hummer.