Read other letters about this article

• Friday, December 5, 2008 11:26 AM

  the grinch

  How the Grinch Stole Christmas

  ...Part Duex

  2008

  EVERY WHO DOWN IN WHOVILLE LIKED CHRISTMAS A LOT,

  BUT THE GRINCH, WHO LIVED JUST NORTH OF WHOVILLE, DID NOT.

  THE GRINCH HATED CHRISTMAS THE WHOLE CHRISTMAS SEASON

  NO ONE KNOWS WHY, NO ONE KNOWS QUITE THE REASON.

  IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT THE GRINCH WAS JEW,

  BUT HE WASN’T THE GRINCH SIMPLY HATED EACH WHO.

  HE HATED THEM ALL SINCE THEY ALL SEEMED SO HAPPY

  AND THE GRINCH’S POOR LIFE WAS COMPARATIVELY CRAPPY.

  THE GRINCH WAS AN ATHIEST, GAY, AND A COMMIE

  (SOMETHING HE’D LEARNED FROM HIS DAD AND HIS MOMMIE).

  HE DIDN’T MIND WINTER SOLSTICE OR KWANZAA

  BUT THE “CHRIST” NAME IN CHRISTMAS DROVE THAT GRUMPY GRINCH GONZA.

  BECAUSE JESUS TAUGHT LOVE, GOODNESS, MORALS, AND SUCH

  THINGS THAT THE GRINCH DIDN’T PRACTICE THAT MUCH.

  BUT YOU KNOW THAT OLD GRINCH WAS SO SMOOTH AND SO SLICK

  THAT HE THOUGHT UP A PLAN AND HE THOUGHT IT UP QUICK.

  THIS YEAR NO SANTA SUIT, NO TASTY ROAST BEAST

  NO TRUSTY DOG MAX OR CRASHING THE FEAST

  NO MORE BROODING IN SILENCE, NO CINDY LOU WHO

  NO…. THIS YEAR THE GRINCH WOULD CALL the ACLU .

  SO THE GRINCH GRABBED HIS CELL PHONE, HE GOT ON THE HORN

  AND CALLED ON THE MOST VILE LAWYERS E’ER BORN.

  ATTORNEYS AMORAL, AGGRESSIVE AND MEAN

  WHO WORK IN THE WHOLE “HATE AMERICA” SCENE.

  AND YES ALL THESE LAWYERS WERE ALL CLOSET COMMIES

  (SOMETHING THEY’D LEARNED FROM THEIR DADDIES AND MOMMIES).

  AND THOUGH THEY WERE BAD FROM SHOELACES TO FACES

  THEY’D ALL BECOME RICH ON A CONTINGENCY BASIS.

  THEN HE CALLED MICHAEL NEWDOW, WHO REALLY HATES GOD

  AND SOME MUSLIM LAWYER NAMED TAWFIQ HADAD.

  WITH HIS DEVILS IN PLACE AND READY TO SUE

  THE GRINCH NOW WAS READY TO SCREW EVERY WHO

  ALL THE WINDOWS WERE DARK, QUIET SNOW FILLED THE AIR

  ALL THE WHOS WERE ALL DREAMING SWEET DREAMS WITHOUT CARE.

  WHEN HE CAME TO THE BRIGHT LIGHTS RIGHT THERE ON THE SQUARE.

  THE GRINCH SAID, “THIS BANNER SIMPLY MUST GO

  IT SAYS ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS’ IT CLEARLY SAYS SO.

  I DON’T BELIEVE IN THIS JESUS CHRIST FELLOW.”

  THEN THE ACLU GUYS ALL STARTED TO BELLOW,

  “THIS BANNER’S ILLEGAL, INTOLERANT, INTRUSIVE.

  THE WHOS MUST REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING INCLUSIVE.”

  SO THE BANNER CAME DOWN AND THE WHOS HAD SOME MEETINGS

  AND PUT UP A NEW ONE THAT SAID “SEASONS GREETINGS.”

  WITH THE BANNER NOW HISTORY, THE GRINCH STARTED ON

  THE SWEET MANGER SCENE ON THE CITY HALL LAWN.

  THE ACLU GUYS SAID, “THIS TOO MUST GO.

  PUT A KWANZAA DISPLAY UP RIGHT THERE IN THE SNOW!”

  MIKE NEWDOW THEN SAID,"WE'VE GOT THESE WHOS OVER BARRELS,

  SO IN ALL THE WHOS SCHOOLS WE'LL ELIMINATE CAROLS!

  AND WHILE ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING WHAT DID THE WHOS DO?

  WHY THEY DID NOTHING BUT CRY BOO-HOO-HOO

  WE DON’T HAVE THE MONEY. WE DON’T HAVE THE TIME.

  THE COURTS ARE AGAINST US. IT’S SUCH A TOUGH CLIMB.

  I GUESS WE’LL JUST LUMP IT. THIS MUST BE OUR FATE.

  AND THEY CRIED AND THEY WHINED UNTIL ALL WAS TOO LATE.

  THEN THE GRINCH AND THE LAWYERS RAN RAMPANT THROUGH TOWN.

  TEARING EVERY REFERENCE TO JESUS CHRIST DOWN.

  NOW ITS MANY YEARS LATER AND CHRIST IS ALL GONE

  AND THE WHOS ARE ALL WONDERING WHERE DID WE GO WRONG.

  OH, SURE, SANTA'S STILL THERE WITH HIS REINDEER AND ELVES

  BUT AS THE WHOS SNOOZED THEY LOST PART OF THEMSELVES.

  WITH CHRIST GONE FROM CHRISTMAS THE SPIRIT LEFT, TOO

  AND LEFT A BIG, GAPING HOLE IN EACH SOUL IN EACH WHO.

  AND WHAT OF THE GRINCH, NO, HE, STILL IS UNHAPPY

  BUT IT MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER NOW THAT EVERYONE’S CRAPPY.

  SO, NOW CHRISTMAS TIME’S JUST A MEM’RY FOR WHOS

  WHO LET IT ALL GO TO THE ACLU’S.

  by

  Steve Mitton

  With apologies to Dr. Seuss

  www.stevesradio.com

  —smitton Read smitton's other letters
  Permalink
  Flag
  Click "Submit Flag" if you feel this post is inappropriate. Explain why below if you wish.

  Cancel