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• Friday, February 16, 2007 08:18 AM

  Why You Had To Go, Dear

  Dear Edwards Blogger #1 -

  You had to go because the keyword in John Edwards' current adventure is PRESIDENT: a candidate for PRESIDENT of the United States cannot employ people who spew...

  "What if Mary had taken Plan B after the Lord filled her with his hot, white, sticky Holy Spirit?" (June 14, 2006)

  "I had to listen to how the poor dear lacrosse players at Duke are being persecuted just because they held someone down and f**ked her against her will - not rape, of course, because the charges have been thrown out. Can't a few white boys sexually assault a black woman anywmore without getting all wound up about it? So unfair." (Jan. 21, 2007)

  Political Campaign Lesson #101: When you work for a political campaign, check your religious and racial rage at the door. John Edwards is candidate for President of the United States not Paris Hilton Country. And, dearie, the job is all about Da Boss. He's the star and he was always the star. It's about Boss Man, always Da Boss. Not you. Never you while he pays your salary.

  Lesson #102: Keep it clean. Never post words that need asterisks after the first letter. The asterisk is the most underrated symbol in literature. Those little itty bitty spines of that tiny asterisk will sting you. Political operatives who use itty bitty words like C*** become radioactive to employers, as in your pal Misty's self-declared alias "Queen C*** of F*** Mountain." "Play Misty" for the eternal optimist, Misty, who seems to believe there's a good context to be found in icky.

  Lesson #103: When you're working for a presidential candidate and you attack Mary, the Mother of Jesus Christ, and the circumstances of His birth and what if "Plan B" happened, it's akin to telling the world that Da Boss (aka the Guy You Work For) employs folks who want to delete the most universally celebrated eveent in the history of the world... CHRISTMAS! John Edwards was your boss and Mrs. Edwards gave him permission to say so. That is, until someone in that house wised up and decided to go to Plan B on your job.

  Lesson #104: Never be cute about rape and never ever be cute about the color of a woman being raped. Not nice. Not funny. Not smart. Blog posts like that will follow you all your professional life even if you think the server crash deleted your post and no evidence remains. You can blame the software for deleting the Duke thing from your blog but, girl, when the server went down, your blog's deletions kept floating in the blogosphere and somehow landed in a laptop in Heaven and, well, up there They know how you feel about Da Big Guy and Holy Momma. Amanda, your Duke statement will be around long after you're gone from the Edwards campaign. Eternal life, ya know?

  Lesson #105: Leave God alone. He rules. He rocks. He don't like ugly.

  —MarilouV
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