Letters to the Editor
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Dear Bush,
Dear Mr. President,
Thank you for your service to this country. Thank you for your unflagging attention to those things that matter most to the common citizen.
Thank you, Mr. Bush, for endorsing "intelligent design," the new name for pushing creationism in schools. I, for one, am tired of all these liberal activist school teachers shoving evolution down our throats. When I was in high school, that's all teachers ever talked about -- Darwin this, Galapagos that. Even math teachers keep saying "Archaeopteryx" for no apparent reason. Shut them up already!
Mr. President, thanks also for everything you've done to make abortion illegal. The people were rioting in the streets and chanting, "Hey, ho, making the difficult choice to end an unwanted pregnancy's got to go!" It was getting out of hand. Society could hardly function. The stock market plummeted. Abortion is clearly a scourge on this great society. You can't walk down the street without some hooligan doctor jumping out of the bushes with callipers and a surgical vacuum. I'm so glad you're going to change this untenable situation!
Thanks also, Mr. President, for taking out Saddam Hussein. He was a ruthless dictator and every day that he ruled over Iraq, acting all dictatorey, I could hardly concentrate at work. I would be sitting at my cubicle, trying to compose a memo, and suddenly I would think to myself, "Whoa! Saddam Hussein is in power! And he might unleash mustard gas on us all!" If you were to poll me at that time, I would have voted "SADDAM" as the #1 top problem facing the United States. NO DOLLAR AMOUNT IS TOO HIGH to make it worthwhile to put that man in jail! $200, $300 billion? Peanuts! $500 billion? $2 trillion? A SMALL PRICE TO PAY to clean up a corrupt government in a country the size of Wyoming on the other side of the globe!
Thank you SO MUCH, Mr. Cheney, for instructing your right-hand man, Scooter Libby, to leak the CIA status of Valerie Plame to the New York Times and other journalistic publications. Plame was a menace! She had to be stopped! Whatever else you have done right or wrong, outing that no-good upstart Plame has established your legacy. May she never covertly operate again!
I cannot express enough gratitude to you, Mr. President, for everything you've done to ensure that the American heartland is safe and secure from terrorism. I wet my pants on 9/11, but ever since then my pants have been as dry as crispy burnt toast. Thanks to you. Your multi-colored alert system has kept me "alert" and ready to go into action! When the alert is yellow, I know I should get a little twitch in my eye. When the alert is at orange level, I know to duct-tape plastic on my window! Also, thanks for "taking the fight to the terrorists" by drawing them out of their hiding spots in Iraq and making them waste all their explosives in their own country, not ours. I can sleep safe and secure now. No terrorists under the bed with Bush on the watch!
Oh, and a BIG THANKS to the A-1 Bush team for making interrogation and torture fun again. You sent our men and women in uniform a message, and that message was "Do whatever it takes to get information -- even if that means forcing prisoners to simulate fellatio on one another." And our military listened. Listened good. They dragged people naked through their own excrement like heroes, and they owe it to your fine standards of leadership.
I should also say thanks for getting rid of the Estate Tax, or "Death Tax." Personally, I want to be buried with all my money. I worked hard to earn it. Hands off, government!
I know that if you just try a little harder, soon you will be able to fix Social Security, so we ALL can live out our twilight years in untold luxury. I also know you can push through a school voucher system that will totally make kids smarter. And save the protected national forests from becoming fire hazards by cutting down a lot more trees. Less trees = less fire = less smoke = less pollution! Way to go, Bush!
GO BUSH! GO BUSH! GO BUSH! GO BUSH!