I was fortunate enough to have an incredible stepmother, who was (and is) far better to my brother and I than we really deserved, but Ms Havrilesky is right: Stepmoms (and stepdads) are in a no-win situation. They are an outsider in some pretty intense human bonds, and they are a reminder of a very real loss: An intact family.

I also agree with the experts cited in the article that over-catering to children in stepfamily situations contributes to the problem. Kids are not the only people with feelings, wants and needs, and they aren't helped by being allowed to treat others shabbily.

Obviously, the needs and feelings of children shouldn't be considered: I think that if there is major conflict between a child and a prospective stepparent, the child's parent should postpone, or cancel, any marriage plans. But even in cases where a child is clearly upset about a remarriage, there is no excuse for bad behavior or spouses failing to support each other.

If a parent is still feeling "too guilty" to support his/her new spouse or partner, they are clearly not yet ready for a new relationship.

Some step-mothers really have been unpleasant to children not their own; a book on fairy tales I read (citation unavailable) made the claim (with a citation) that the children of the late Mrs Peasant often didn't do that well---in the Victorian era, there was an high incidence of extant infants' being shunted off to baby farmers, many of whom just increased the dose of laudanum a bit every week until they didn't need any more.

At the margins, where most of Humanity have lived, it's not remarkable that children who share none of your genes get worse treatment than the ones who have half of them...even a very little neglect, over long enough, can have big consequences. Hell, even biological children get less care if they're ugly....

That modern, and decent, and competent, and nice, step-mothers should suffer thereby is biassed, unfortunate, and unfair...which is how social situations usually work.

Good luck, though, Ms Esther.

The only way you stand a chance, is if the "real" parent is the disciplinarian for their kids.

Otherwise, if the kids are above toddler age, all hell will break loose, the first time that the "step" parent draws a boundary and tries to enforce it.

The real world equivalent: take some baking soda, put it in a jar. Add a bit of lemon juice. Cover. Shake.

Bleed.

I can only add a few hard won observations. There are certain things you can and should demand. IE If you live with people you share the chores a little. I really don't want you cussing me out all the time. I get to use the telephone too. etc.

Whole other aspects of the kid's life are none of your business. Is your homework done? When did you get in last night? You might offer help in these departments, but you have no right to make demands.

And finally know that patience is rewarded. My stepdaughter and I are now good friends. I think she realizes that I did her a favor by enduring.

There is no bias against step moms--there is a bias against step moms and dads.

As a single father I have faced all kinds of crap that includes constantly having to prove that I have the right to be a parent to my kids to regularly being asked--by women always--if I have a restraining order against me simply because I am male, divorced and dealing with the school, daycare and etc--wow! what an unusual situation.

Now you are saying there is a bias against step moms? Stop whining. Here are the two stereotypes we both fight against--step moms are mean and unloving vs step dads are mean, unloving, likely sexual harrassers and/or molesters, deadbeats, and on and on.

Now as a step dad, my youngest step child routinely lies to manipulate situations against my kids or to get what she wants and when I call her on it she says "Tough, get me what I want."

The means to get past this is to make sure that both parents back the other up and hold their kids accountable for being rude and mean. It's fine if the child does not feel good about the arrangement, but it is not an excuse to act out.

don't marry people with kids!

i have a step mom - although i consider her my fathers wife instead. my parents divorced when i was 23 so this woman has never been a mother to me. and yeah, i hated her and i hated my dad and i felt horrible for my mother.

but...then i realized that as long as my dad is happy that is all that matters and i can at least tolerate his wife.

and this was when i was 23. i can't imagine how i would have behaved at 16. i shudder to think.

so i feel for all of you going through this. good luck and best wishes.

I noticed that one important reason for childrens' resentment of their dads' new wives was left out: The likelihood that Daddy's new wife was the person who, in the kids' eyes, came between Daddy and Mommy and wrecked their happy home.

Yeah, yeah, it's really more complicated than that: Some couples aren't meant to be together even if they have kids, and commitment is hard, yadda yadda yadda. Try telling that to a kid whose main understanding of the situation is that Mommy and Daddy aren't together any more and that this interloper is probably the cause.

I dislike that word, "stepmother," when the mother is still Alive! You are just the "father's wife" to me. You are no one's "mother." If you marry a man with children, good luck to you.

Thank you! Before my wedding I tried to find any resource I could - books, websites, groups, etc. - for stepdads. There is a ton of information out there on being a single parent and on being a stepmom, but virtually nothing available for stepdads. I find this really odd; since the overwhelming majority of single parents are moms you'd think there are more stepdads out there. Maybe I'm wrong, but this seems based on the assumption that dads aren't really parents or they're not particularly interested in how they interact with their stepchildren.