I am very sorry that your son is suffering so much, and that you are suffering so deeply. I believe that you did witness the very core of your son's good character and purpose during those good years when he seemed cured. I am sorry that he has changed so dramatically but I believe that his illness is causing this suffering and lashing out. It is a great loss, but as long as he lives there is still hope that a treatment may be discovered that will alter him from this path of violence and rage and you will once again know your son as he once was, a happier more peaceful soul.

I hope that you have thrown out your stash of pills. I hope that for the sake of your husband and all of your children, you will not let this illness break you, that you will not add that burden to your sick child or your healthy children.

You are a good person, a loving parent and a brave truth-teller. I admire you for telling the truth of your son's good times as well as his difficult times. None of us have a crystal ball for the future, but we can always hope that the difficulties will pass and the spring will come again.

I hope that you will find peace, always.

I am so sorry. I have a young nephew with autism. He is going to be a large man. Even at his young age he has some violent outbursts. I worry about what will happen.

I have a daughter with Aspergers, which I realize is a different. But there were violent outbursts which give me some clue as to the agony that comes with parenting a child who hurts so much they explode.

What will happen when all our autistic kids become adults? I don't have any answers. But it is important that people share their experiences, so thank you.

My 16 year old is autistic. He hasnt lived with me in 2 years. Around his 13th birthday he became uncontrollable and a danger to the smaller children in the family. Eventually I couldnt control him and the situation was dangerous for me and him and my younger kids.

By the time help arrived when he had an episode or I managed to get him to the ER, he had calmed down. A doctor I saw was afraid that one day people would accuse ME of abusing him because there was never any sign of the rages. How could we know that it wasnt me beating the kid out of my frustration.

That night, thank god, in the hospital he got impatient and angry and "flipped out". It took 4 adult men to hold him down after he was restrained AND had haldol and another tranquilizer. They held him for an hour. The doctor asked"how do you handle this at home alone?" I said "I dont, thats why I am here"

After literally months of searching for a placement for him that did not require giving him up, I called the state agency that had continually put me on hold. I had remained on the phone during the last episode when I called 911, because I wanted a record of what was happening. The child raging and slamming things and me telling my other children to go to my room and close the door and stay till my mother arrived. So I had that as evidence if I needed it.

I told the man, when I called about the episode and my voice broke as I said, "My daughters are in the room cowering in fear as I am in the hall and my son is attacking me, they are afraid. Its not right. And I always call for help for him, but never for me. But what about ME? If he were my boyfriend or husband you wouldnt leave me to live this way, you would protect me. In fact, you would PUNISH me for allowing this around my other kids. What about ME?"

THe image of my daughters cowering in the corner, blankets over their head must have made an impact. He said"Ma'amm, I am so sorry, he wont be coming back"

It was the hardest moment of my entire life to date.As a mother I had to fight with everything in me to get the help for him he needed though it meant as a mother, I was losing my son. But I also had to protect my other children and our quality of life had gone down dramatically, I had become a prisoner in my home and had been one for years. My entire life was keeping my 12 year old son and 2 year old daughter both in my sight but not within arms reach of one another. My 10 year olds entire life was being quiet and walking on eggshells.

I have recovered from the pain and the heartbreak. But my family is destroyed and the emptiness is immense. And I miss my son but cant watch him alone, he is way larger and stronger than I am, so I deal with that daily.That he misses us and wants to be with us. With the fear that one day he will do something in public to harm someone and then harm will come to him.

I have no answers. I just am glad to have a place to share this.

I wish you well. Your account of your family life made my throat ache with pain.

I have an uncle whose severe epilepsy, treated with terrible psychotropic drugs in the 50s, seemed to make him go crazy in his teens. Much repressed rage at not being normal, not having anything to look forward to like work, marriage, friends. His increasingly twisted perspective and raging jealousy at his more normal siblings led him to try to murder his younger brother. He was institutionalized and then tried to burn the institution down. This led to him being sent to the state's toughest prison. When he was released many years later, he was a beaten man. Only his mother, my heroic grandmother, ever truly treated him as a human being.

In contrast, your son sounds like he has received a lot of support and love over the years, which is to your great credit.

Your essay is brave and powerful. But please throw away your sleeping pills...