until the end...

You finally figured it out. Go to the neighborhood bar/s. Every neighborhood in Chicago has at least one within walking distance. And I'm not talking the trendy hipster spot. Go to the bar with the Old Style sign. It should feel lived in. It should be decorated with a wobbly pool table, jukebox and a spattering of bar flies. It may have plasma TVs but probably not. Go there on Lost nights and ask the bartender to flip it on for you. Show up to their St. Patty's party, at least for a couple of drinks. Go with your wife and sometimes without. Encourage the same of her. In a few short weeks you will have met a colorful set of people that probably live in the neighborhood. Don't forget that you meet people by meeting people, therefore, say yes to some invitations even if the event doesn't seem wholly exciting. Because honestly, what the hell else are you doing?

If you don't like that one neighborhood bar, there is another one a block away in any direction.

then, join a team, a museum, a club, and/or a church.

volunteering is also good.

It's going to take a while. Hang in there.

Relax,

Men are doomed to few or no close male friends, and even fewer female "friends." Evolution has deemed it necessary that men become solitary creatures, roaming in the wilderness and rarely, if ever, being empathic or even moderately able to relate to another male.

We're having the same darn problem here in Minneapolis! Adding to the problem, I think is that here in the Midwest, many of the people we meet have lived here their whole lives, and already have close-knit social circles. So even when you manage to make friends with a particular individual, you're sort of an "on the side friend" for them. They don't *need* you at all. And it doesn't help that being the 'needy' one is kind of a sucky, degrading feeling overall.

Mr. Blitstein really nails a HUGE problem for folks nowadays: how do we make friends? And why is it so hard?

Especially if you happen to move from city to city due to work requirements/whatever, then you really, REALLY get bit in the ass: Skype, text messaging, Facebook, and email DO NOT cut it. You need the real thing: BEING WITH ANOTHER PERSON IN PERSON, over an extended period of time. Staying at home, staring into the monitor every night, using these internet social networking services still leaves you ALONE at home, staring into a monitor and not with a real person. Hence the empty feeling.

We may be wired into the new digital age--and for sure the internet with all it offers is a great benefice; but I think socially, and emotionally we still need to meet people and make friends (and lovers) the old fashioned way: in the REAL WORLD. At the corner coffee shop...at the corner bar...at "open mic night", or even by volunteering.

And one other thing that was great about this article: Ryan remarks on the "bi coastal rat race": I couldn't agree more! I lived in Seattle for 10 years/Portland for 2/SF for 1: it is weird and a bit sad, but the west coast can be very lonely, impersonal and harsh to transplants. It is really, really hard to connect and make friends, for example in Seattle. Be forewarned! You definitely will not be welcomed with open arms in Seattle. Seattleites with crush you--with sadistic pleasure--if you meekly wish, after moving there to do things with them. A very unwelcoming place for a novice transplant...be forewarned! The midwest is much more unassuming, and down to earth. I wish the west coasters would chill out and come back down to earth more. Maybe the native west coasters are a bit too provincial...that's my opinion at least. And everybody seems to try too hard to be too cool, too busy, too (fill in the blank). That's what's so nice about the midwest. Maybe a bit boring, but people are more down to earth and friendly in a genuine way. Not so snobbish. Nice.

Anyways blah blah blah...this was a great article and really hi a chord with me. I guess keep using Meetup, and get out every chance you get is the best way to connect where you live. And maybe try to not move to much :-)

And it's not just the moving thing. By the time you reach a certain age, all of those available 'friend' time slots start to fill up. And couples friends are twice as hard to find. Add kids and jobs and suddenly you find yourself becoming that person with a lot of acquaintances and no one to call when you suddenly find yourself free and wanting to just go hang out. You find some really cool couple and 'they're just not that into you.' You have to laugh at yourselves, but still - ouch!

Once or twice a year we get together with old friends - from the towns we used to live in when we had time to just hang out and be - and it's bittersweet. But it's good. Don't let that slip away, too - a get-together every year or two is worth making the trouble to make happen.

Of course, unlike true love, true friendship takes time to gel. maybe Andy the bar friend will be Andy the old friend in 20 years, who knows? Great article - thanks for putting your experience out there.

I thought it was either a New England thing or a urban/suburban thing.

I've got a best friend since elementary school and another since college, and that's it. No best friend here in the latest segment of life after 12 years in the same town, same job. Just not clicking and it's sad. When I was growing up, it seemed like adults were always in each others' company, dropping in, going out, hanging out. What am I doing wrong? I'm certainly not judging and rejecting. It's just a lack of chemistry. Or maybe the people who are appealing to me don't find me appealing. But I don't know why.