Letters to the Editor
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Once Again-The Wrong Debate Around the Wrong Discourse
Dear Editor:
This is the third time in which I have had to chime in with a letter regarding a Salon article about if women should "opt in" or "opt out" with regard to the working/childcare question. Once again, the issue is framed as if he primary consideration for most families is one of the woman's personal choice and spiritual needs. Once more the children and men who are also intricately and intimately involved in such decisions, not to mention economic considerations, are ignored as if they have no voice and as if the woman's personal decision has no implications beyond her own sense of well being.
The most obvious fallacy behind this puedo-discourse is that men are always capable of supporting their families, especially their wives, in a style in which they are accustomed. For the majority of families in our country today, true economic security and well-being require that, at worse, both parents work. Ironically, this is particullarly true when children, whose presence add a great deal of expense to the family budget, come into the world. For those who would like to "opt out," and wish it as an option for all women, regardles of socioeconomic status, I would suggest that they focus on other issues such as raising wages for everyone, the expense of healthcare, the expense of housing in good areas with good schools etc. That way, it might be possible for most American families to live comfortably on the wages of one job or salary. They should also turn their critical wrath upon a society which values only work and in which one's occupation is the primary source of one's identity and in which other forms of finding one's self and/or human existence are unrecognized and ignored, such as full-time motherhood.
As I wrote in my previous letters, there is something very narcassistic in this discussion. The archetype women who exist in this discourse, prodded on by well-compensated career intellectuals who usually also have even high-salaried husbands, does not at all think about the toil of work, especially when it involves supporting other people, takes on her husband. This debate needs to include issues involving husbands and men. When the woman "opts out," what is its effect on the nature of a man's work? Will he have to take more demanding and higher paying jobs? Does he feel as if he is under more pressure? Does he really find "furfillment" is doing that? Thus, this discussion is completely effemoral without some sort of critique of the American work culture and what negative effects it might have on the family and on the psychological well being of the man himself. The "opt outers" never take that into consideration because for them, the man exists objectified and voiceless, as a husband who by definition exists in an predefined and involuntarily assigned role in wich he works to support her and her children and must make whatever sacrifice is necessary to accomplish that. This completely ignores the fact that many men feel that they are wasting their lives away because they have to support their families.
Rather than merely publishing my letters on their website, I suggest that your e-periodical investigate these above-discussed tangents.
Sincerely yours,
Arthur C. Hurwitz
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I agree with A. Hurwitz
We have gone into debt pay for childcare for our 2 children, with both of us working fulltime (which will get better when they are in public school), and this is an issue which seems to get so little attention compared to the moralizing about proper parenting. Both of us would feel more complete as people if we had a few more choices, financially.
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Stupid book cover design
... unless the book is actually a manifesto for bottle-feeding over breastfeeding.
When will graphic artists get a grip and stop using baby bottles (and diaper pins!!!) as icons for babyhood?
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Bottom Line Angle Missing
All the points Amy Richards makes are valid, but she doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for businesses -- even large ones --to grant benefits like lengthy paid parental leaves.
Jobs are outsourced internationally because American employers can't stay competitive while offering all employees such generous benefits. The lower level customer service jobs are the ones easiest outsourced, and they are the first to go.
And as the author stated, if parents get lengthy paid leaves, then non-parent employees have every right to ask for the same for other pressing life needs.
The fact that Richards says she was shocked that so many women she interviewed couldn't afford unpaid leave itself shows how far removed she is from the realities of most working women's lives. Even upper level management women at the financial companies I've worked for didn't take unpaid leave --they might have a six week paid disability leave after giving birth, then tack on accumulated vacation time. In the pricey New York metropolitan area, and often being the main family breadwinner, they didn't have the luxury of the six-month unpaid leave they were technically entitled to.
In the U.K. lengthy paid leaves are mandated; the result is often that employers avoid hiring women of childbearing age.
None of the Mom books addressing work/life issues seem to take the realities of the business world into account. Perhaps because they are disproportionately penned by women who've worked only in journalism or academia, neither of whose paramaters are remotedly comparable to the rest of the working world's.
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I learned a lot about motherhood from being an older sister
I'm the oldest of six children. My youngest brother is 12 years younger than I am. For much of his babyhood, I was kind of like a second mother to him. I fed him, changed him, played with him, and took care of him when our mom was busy dealing with the rest of us. This wasn't something I was forced to do, BTW; I did it voluntarily to help my parents and because I liked spending time with him (he was a good baby). We are still close today.
When I had my own children, the things I learned from my youngest brother came in very handy. I knew what to expect with little babies and how they acted. I felt comfortable with my infant son, although I did have a fair amount of new mother anxiety. When my second kid arrived, I took stock of what I'd learned from my first one. I had a better idea of what was important and what wasn't, and many things went more smoothly.
I don't know if many women have this kind of experience nowadays. Most families are smaller. (Mine is -- although I grew up in a large family, I didn't really want to have one myself.) Older children are more scheduled and regimented and don't seem to have the time to hang out with their younger siblings that we used to have.
I also think that mothers don't trust themselves as much as they used to. There's more faith placed in parenting books than in common sense, instinct, and observation. Mothers are constantly told that no matter what we do, it's just not going to be good enough. That we're going to be viewed as utter and complete failures if our children are not attractive, athletic, talented, smart and successful. When I was a kid, motherhood was just what everyone did; now, in some quarters, it's like a high-powered career.
I don't know what the cure is, other than to urge everyone to take a deep breath, back off a bit, and not be so crazed about every little thing. While motherhood is one of the most important things in a woman's life, it shouldn't be the only thing. Trust yourselves, be open to what your children will teach you, and love them for who they are.