Letters to the Editor
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Good job pointing out if hubby does it differently, it's not wrong
My wife and I go round and round over the fact I do some things differently than she does. I diffuse it with humor and say "Different is bad! We must all do it exactly the same." In a few rare cases, she now prefers the way I do it. So, if hubby is helping: grit your teeth, bite your tongue and fight the urge to redo it when he isn't looking.
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Once again, not earth shattering
This feels like yet another article trying to make a controversy where none exists. While I find little objectionable in Richard's viewpoint, I do not find "take time for yourself" and "let your husband do the childcare and see what it's like" to be particularly earth-shattering or controversial statements. It sounds more like 1970's consciousness raising.
But I do disagree with the notion that feminism has so rigidly defined mothering that women don't know what to do. If it's so narrowly defined, why do we have so many women doing it in so many different ways? Why do we have the media's so-called Mommy Wars? And since so few women call themselves feminists these days, why would they be hampered by feminism? You can't have it both ways.
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Listen to yourself
The first line in Dr. Spock's book was:
"You know more than you think you do."
This was a good article, full of good ideas and down-to-earth observations. My wife and I have taken the same commonsense approaches with our kids and it's worked out fine. Thanks.
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Hubby doing it wrong?
I think the issue of women criticizing their husbands for "doing it wrong", as well as the current phenomenon of hyper-parenting, go back to the central idea of women having higher career standards for themselves than they did say 40 or 50 years ago. Women are told they can be/do anything they want. If they opt for mothering as a full-time career, they feel they better do it damn well, since they quit their job and paycheck for this. Hence, strong opinions on doing every little thing "the right way" and being the best damn mother on the playground. What else can you do with your ambition? If you decide to stay home with your kids and then you don't do a very good job of it, how does that define you? Women in previous generations did need that definition as much because they weren't expected to have careers. We are.
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I'm the Mommy that's why! You are an EMPLOYEE goddamnit now do what I told you. But I'm just going to redo it anyhow.
Inside every martyr beats the heart of a tyrant. Inside every tyrant's heart is a narcissist's soul
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Whatever you do
it is probably wrong.
But fear not, it probably doesn't matter all that much.
I gave up on the Nurture Assumption, when it finally occurred to me, that from day one, my son was his own man, and there wasn't much I could do about it...except make sure he didn't drink bleach....or toddle into traffic.
Other than that, he does everything his own way....and a large majority of the time, he is right.
This has served him well into his adulthood, and humbled me as a person trying to be a good mother...
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Thank you Ashley and Amy
"Richards decided on a different approach -- she would think for herself."
And that goes for so much more than mothering.
I know it's not an especially controversial or even original thing to say, but sometimes it does seem like a lost concept. People seem pathologically unable to say "this is right for me, no matter what anyone else thinks."
Nobody else has to live your life. You are the only one who has to be able to look yourself in the mirror in the morning. This is not to say that we have no responsibilities towards others, or our families. But no one else knows enough about your life to make the right choices for you.
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A Different Perspective on Mommying
I retired about a year ago and moved to Mexico for various reasons - a choice which I am very happy with. One of the many reasons I moved here was that, on my first visit to my quaint cobblestone village in the mountains, I noticed how utterly happy, no, giddy, giggly, euphoric, etc. the children were. I knew I wanted to live in a society that produces such happy children. It was a most pleasant culture shock, indeed! I'm still getting used to encountering tranquil tots, polite and cheerful pre-teen boys, mature, responsible teenagers, all of whom show respect for and harmony with their elders and the very rich, festive, and meaningful traditions. In other words - it's the exact opposite of life in the US!!
I must add that the very mild and pleasant climate here means that people, especially kids, are out on the streets and in the plazas a lot. I ride the buses with lots of moms and kids. I have plenty of chances to observe. Everyone's windows are open. You can hear everything going on.
In the year that I've been here, I have NEVER heard a whiny, bratty, or hostile child. The parents and kids/babies are so much more attuned to eachother that 1) the kids hardly misbehave to begin with, and 2) if they do, the slightest little gesture from a parent puts a quick stop to it. The parents here never seem to yell at their kids. You'd think it was magic. I've NEVER heard a mom plea-bargain with her snotty brat like in the US.
The obvious difference is in the whole culture, the way kids are brought up. People in the US read books to learn how to "parent"?? (Does baby want this? Does baby want that? What does baby want??) Here, the traditions seem to work, the families are extended and close, mommies start young and carry their babies everywhere with them. Strollers don't work well on cobblestones, and most of the villagers don't have cars, hence, no car seats. When old enough, the toddlers walk with mom, holding hands. Proud daddies often carry their kids on their shoulders. The end product? The babies are held and cuddled all day, and are given way more affection and love than kids in the US with their "conflicted" mothers. The kids have built-in playmates through the large extended families. Moms don't have to be chauffeurs. Most of the businesses are small and family-operated; mommies simply take their babies to work with them. Kids learn useful tasks and help their parents from an early age, like, 4 or so.
All mothers are considered saints here, and Mother's Day is like a national holiday.
I'm not a mom, but I am the daughter of a career mom, and for that reason, I never wanted to be one. I've never had any illusions about how hard it is to mix family and outside career. I grew up thinking my parents couldn't talk to me and my brothers because they "worked", and were, therefore, emotionally unavailable. I know, many parents try to assuage their "guilt" by smothering their kids with...stuff. Kids in the US are SO spoiled with things, and yet are constantly frustrated from lack of real affection, turning to electronic gadgets for some type of deep and true engagement. Then the parents are so shocked when their pre-teen turns into a little monster. Surprise, surprise!!
Space prevents me from elaborating on all this. Advice to parents: take a vacation to a village in the mountains of mexico, sit in the plaza in the evening, and just watch people. You might think you've died and gone to heaven. The challenge is how can you create this kind of peace and harmony in the US society?? Buena suerte!!