Letters to the Editor
-
@Ben Sen -- Are You Making Excuses for A Creep?
You ask: "Are you saying it's Silda's fault because she married a rich and powerful guy?"
To some extent, yes. Go read the social scientists...rich, powerful guys are not hardwired for fidelity. "Blame it on the primal brain of homo politicus," says today's Washington Post. "The correlation between infidelity and high status apparently exists across cultures and over huge swaths of time."
If I want a faithful husband myself, (or for my daughter), I'd stay AWAY from ambitious, highly charged politicians (or rock stars, or Donald Trumps, for example). Not to say there aren't the exceptions...but they are just that -- the exceptions.
In the case of high-profile politicos, the expectation of fidelity is Pollyanna-ish. Just come hang around here in a Washington bar with a few 20-something women. They THRIVE on bedding politicos -- it's a sport for the women around here. As I've said in another post, I've listened to a young woman BRAG unashamedly about having bedded a geriatric Alan Greenspan. When even an old, wrinkly coot like Alan Greenspan doesn't have to pay for it, but rather, is a primo sexual target and conquest for the nubile political groupie set, then you know that handsome Deputy Undersecretary of Yadda Yadda, or that Junior Congressman, well, they're toast, my friend.
If my husband came home tonight and said that while I was raising our children, he'd spent the past few years having ongoing, unprotected sex with a prostitute, (a "mistake" as you call it?) and had spent almost $100,000 of our household finances paying the said prostitute, and was a political hypocrite of the highest order (tough on crime on the outside, committing them in the bedroom) -- then yes, I would not forgive him, and I'm sure my children would survive just fine on those alternate weekend visits with their Dad when he wasn't busy with his prostitute pal.
Fidelity is important, but not a marital deal breaker to me, but come on -- years of public hypocrisy, and endangering me with unprotected sex with a hooker -- there's a bona fide deal breaker if I ever saw one.
Have I been tempted to cheat? Sure. Haven't most of us?
But have I been tempted to siphon off thousands of dollars of my family's money, illegally hire myself a prostitute, and lie to my husband for years on end -- no.
And there's your VERY BIG difference, Ben.
Are you actually suggesting that a public figure with an anti-crime reputation, engaging in ongoing unprotected sex with a prostitute (a crime), and then a financial coverup to keep it hidden from his wife for years, is a garden variety marital indiscretion that should be overlooked and forgiven as a mere "mistake?"
While I too, often think you make sense, this definitely does not. Are YOU truly serious?
Do you think that's the sort of man a woman WANTS to be married to? Do you think that expecting a married family man not to patronize prostitutes is "rigid morality?"
Would you would want such a guy, such a relationship, such a risk, for your daughter, friends, or family members? You think years of dropping a few thousand bucks a pop on regular dates with a prostitute is just a little bump in the marital road, worthy of being overlooked in favor of a two-parent household??
Not me. I have way more respect for women than that. What you call self-righteousness I call self-respect. Ultimately, it's up to Spitzer and his wife to figure out if there is anything salvageable in their relationship. I doubt it, but it's not for me to decide.
But you can damn sure bet that I'm not looking at Silda Spitzer and thinking how admirable, or forgiving, or wonderful she is for standing up with him.
Frankly, I'm thinking, how pathetic she is. I'm feeling sorry for her, and even more for her children, and for the fact that with or without him, he's made a mockery of their marriage and family.
And when it comes to marriage, whether it's Silda, or Hillary, the lady around the corner, or anyone else, I find nothing dignified or honorable or admirable about sticking with an abusive creep.
Because, yes, what he has done IS abusive. He has endangered her physically, abused her trust, endangered their family. It's sad, even tragic, perhaps.
So is standing by such a man dignified? Honorable? Something to aspire to? Something I'd want for my daughter? Or myself? Or ANY woman?
No...Not a bit.
-
Maybe...
Maybe she's standing there because she promised to stand there "for better of for worse."
Why is it that so many women don't like women who decide to stick out the worst with their husbands?
In theory isn't that a part of the marriage vow?
I imagime there are even a few men who have done the same thing.
This reminds me of those women who hate Hillary because she didn't dump Bill. Why are women always so ready to judge each other?
Grow up. Is there some rule book out there that tells women how they're supposed to respond when their world seems to be crashing down all around them?
Most people screw up a couple of times during their lives. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to be able to forgive.
-
kudos to Rebecca
Hi. Major article. You are a total wordsmith, and I like that. Although, I am the opposite of "feminist"(like "mannist"?}; I am hetero, have never hit a woman, and like women, have had wives, a mother, and live-ins, and a daughter, but think that electing anyone for their gender or race is racist and "genderist". I, totally, like TOTALLY, am in complete sympathy with Silda. As a lawyer, I know we can freeze up when necessary, but she has been in front of the national cameras twice in 3 days with this arrogant dope, and to ask what are her motives or reasons for doing that, send us back to the DSM list of what happens when we have a "loss": Shock, Anger, Depression, Negotiations and (finally, if all those four have gone ok) Acceptance. Takes time, and in some instances, lots of time. We will hear from her later.
Poor Silda is still at Stage One, if I may be so presumptuous as to know whether she has wanted him in, or on, her body, or not. 10 years of hookers is a long time, or even 8 months; and if he just went to bed stressed, and she had 3 girls to deal with, maybe they had no sex life, and that was ok with her. He just got it on the side, as any European would tell you, and that is ok for both of them.
Sex is such a sensitive isssue, and many of us would rather just behave like the primates we are, and not talk --- just do, and see what comes up (heh, heh) or not. And if it does come up, what does your partner want to do with it. Very common in 20 year marriages.
Thanks, and keep writing. Tom.