Letters to the Editor
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Picking light-skinned babies out of a catalog. Or not.
With Guatemala, most agencies make it clear that turning down a referral is highly frowned on except in the case where, as Gross found, a child is discovered to have serious medical concerns and the family had specified that they weren't equipped to adopt a child with special needs.
I'm not sure how it works for Chinese, Russian, Vietnamese, Ethiopia, Haiti, etc.
It worked that way for Korea, or at least it did when my relatives (now 9 and 12) were adopted. IIRC, the prospective parents didn't even see a picture until after the adoption was confirmed, though it was a while ago and I don't remember for sure.
Laurel, I too wonder if it's the company you keep-- or maybe it's your hostility that makes you remember every potentially offensive comment or stupid thing these 'rich yuppies' say. And I wonder how you treat those children adopted from other countries, who you treat (at least with your words) as much as designer accessories as you claim their parents do.
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@Persia
Thanks for the clarification. I had heard, but didn't remember specifics, that at least some countries require you to sign on to the adoption, and once you are approved, only then do they assign a child.
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Russia and Afghanistan and judging others
I meant to chime in that the agency we worked with for these two countries send you the referrals: you do not get to "choose."
Again, I'm glad there are people of integrity and tremendous compassion out there like you, Ancient Assyrian. It takes a village...
Laurel, some of your points are not that far-fetched necessarily but the way you present your argument just sounds self-righteous, misguided and shrill.
Yes, there is poverty, injustice to 3rd world women and children are not being adopted in this country. Yes, there are shallow people out there. Indeed, you are correct, but to smarmily blame the Jessicas and Ancient Assyrians of the world for what they haven't done is wrong--they who are actually, in their small ways, trying to give love and fufill that crazy need in themselves to be mothers.
No matter which way your children come to you, the act will usually have some measure of the mysterious, inexplicable and un-P.C.-ness. For you to to judge so harshly is mean spirited.
All of your arguments could have been presented another way without assigning blame to the adopters.
That's all I'm saying.
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International adoption and racism
Racism exists, there is no doubt. And many African-American children go unadopted.
On the other hand, race is not likely the only reason so many people choose international adoption. My girlfriend is Black, I am Latina, and we briefly considered international adoption because the odds that we will get a baby if we adopt domestically are so slim. We'd like to have our child for as long as possible before he or she starts school, and we want to be part of our child's life for as long as possible. We were told that even getting a toddler is difficult, because the process of becoming eligible for adoption once you are in the foster care system takes so long.
We are still going to adopt domestically (and still hoping for a toddler), but this knowledge has made me more sympathetic to the people who adopt internationally.
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Good thinking
15 years ago I adopted a child from foster care who was 3 years old at the time. We thought that with proper nutrition, love and stability, we could undo the effects of early childhood abuse and neglect. Several years later, we learned that she had fetal alcohol effects, brain trauma, PTSD, a non-specific mood disorder and severe learning disabilities. We spent 15 years loving this child through her challenges and helped her in any way we could. It was a full time job, in addition to our other full time jobs and trying to attend to the needs of other family members. Every day was like being on a roller-coaster ride, or as I call it "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."
I know more than I ever wanted to know about IQ's, Developmental Disabilities, the social service system, the mental health care system, special education, IEPs and mental illness. She was constantly in trouble in school, at church, or wherever we went. She stole. She lied. She ran away. She attacked people, and herself. She hallucinated, had flash backs, eating disorders, panic attacks and nightmares. If things got to calm and quiet, she created chaos. She required 24/7 supervision. She has been hospitalized for psychiatric care dozens of times throughout her life due to suicide attempts. We lost friends we had had for decades. Her own birth sisters, adopted by other families, refused to be around her. Yet, we stuck by her, year after year.
Our two older birth children had their lives turned upside down, as we did. Our birth daughter says that the daughter we adopted ruined our family and has struggled with feelings of anger for our refusing to abandoned her back to the foster care system after the first 2 or 3 years of our living in her hell with her. We were attacked, our animals were in constant danger, and she never stopped trying to destroy herself. Yes, there were periods when the symptoms abated, and we even had a relatively calm period from about 9 to 11, which I now know is typical (called the latency period.) However, the symptoms always returned, and they came back in full rage when puberty kicked in.
The struggle we endured, not only with her mental illness but trying to obtain services through Medicaid and the state mental health care system, threw us into a 16 year nightmare that continues to this day. When she was 15 we had to have her institutionalized because of extreme self-harm and suicide attempts. While institutionalized, she stayed alive but discovered new ways to harm herself, which she continues to do. She spent 3 years in institutions, too great of a danger to herself to live without constant supervision by professionals until, as an adult, she was discharged at age 18.
She now 19 and in addition to her other diagnoses, has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, a very difficult disorder to treat. We do not feel safe having her in our home any longer, but have maintained close contact with her, supporting her in every way we can short of her living with us. She now lives in the Hood, having rejected other housing options, and spends her days drinking and drugging. She continues to cut and has episodes of suicidal attempts. She has insight into about 6 hours, and little beyond. She eeks by on $630 per month disability income and refuses treatment of any kind. Self-medication with alcohol, street drugs and cigarettes are the focus of her life. Every homeless person I see, I think of her and how long it will be before she too, is living under a bridge. Every day I wonder when I will get the call that she is dead.
Birth to age 3 is far more important than we could ever realize. The deck of cards we are dealt at birth, and coupled with our experiences in early childhood set the stage for life.
You may or may not have been able to improve this child's life that you considered adopting, or you may have sacrificed your own life in trying, as we did, and at the end be left with a broken heart.
If I had it do to over again, I wouldn't. If I was pregnant and told my child would have such severe disabilities and was destined to a life of hell, I would terminate my pregnancy. If there was anything I could do to help her that I didn't do, I have no way of knowing what that could be as I tried everything I could, and then some. And yes, I love her very much. Love can not heal all.