Letters to the Editor
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Difficult decision
You made the choice you needed to make based on your recognition of your own limitations. You made the right choice.
Should you feel a bit guilty? Absolutely. That's how life works. You had a chance to save a life and you didn't take it. Mind you I might well have made the same decision that you did but I would have accepted the fact that I would be haunted by a child in desperate need who I chose not to help. You seem to want to be let off the hook and for people to tell you it is okay. It isn't. Not really.
And as far as her being scooped up and adopted by another family? I wouldn't find too much comfort in that. It's just as likely she will languish where she is.
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@captainlarab
Thanks for an excellent summary of the Guatemala situation. You explained it far better than I could.
And thanks also for the point about charity. I cringe when anyone says "Oh, you saved him from a life of..." about my son. We didn't adopt my son as a philanthropic gesture. We wanted another child very much, and he is a joy in our lives.
Every day I try to do my best to be a good Mom to him -- and that's not an expression of charity or philanthropy -- it's just boring old mother love for a darling boy.
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Micro Ms.--
I felt very much for you reading your post, and it looks as though I stepped on just as big a nerve with you as the people who say "As long as it's healthy", do with me!
Of course we all want the best health possible for our children! But my point is that, if they are born with a disability or illness, we still love them UNCONDITIONALLY! NO matter what! We wouldn't ever want to exchange them, just because they have a special need, or an illness. I imagine your parents adore you just as much as I adore my kids. I'm not saying we don't want the best for our children. I am saying that we love them no matter what and though things are damn difficult, for the children and their parents--we as parents of special needs kids wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING. KNowing how blessed you are, just having this child in your life, no matter what, is the best thing in life!!
I wouldn't wish difficulties on anyone, or anyone's children! But I do feel that if people aren't prepared to even face the notion that their child may not be perfect, or match their fantasies of what a child "should be"--then they ought to stick to collecting porcelain dolls. My kids aren't "less than" anyone else's, just because they're autistic. I don't wish to presume--but surely your parents feel you are every bit as precious, regardless of pain and heartache of your illness.
Anonymous, you elucidated exactly what I meant. Nobody wants ny child or parent to suffer or have difficulties, but all children are precious.
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What Gross lost was not a child, but a fantasy of a child.
Yes!
But that's what any expectant parent has - whether one is pregnant "naturally," through IVF or other methods, using a surrogate, adopting domestically or internationally - until they hold the baby in their arms for the first time.
"The fantasy of a child" is some powerful magic. It is ancient, irrational, sentimental, and visceral. As soon as you pee on the stick, or sign the papers, you begin to visualize your future with this baby. You think about names, choose some clothes and nursery items, whisper endearments and lullabyes ... to potential.
Gross' "fantasy" is no more silly than any other expectant parents' daydreams: "Someone to carry on the family name!" "We'll be best friends!" "I hope s/he looks just like me/you!" "What a kick! I bet we've got an athlete in there!" "I'm craving chocolate! This baby's going to be real sweet!" And her loss of her "fantasy of a child" is still a loss, even if it is "minor."
My own lost fantasies were minor (I thought I'd have sons, and I have daughters; I thought I'd have spring babies, and I don't; their personalities, temperments, and preferences are so different from mine, I would never have imagines it.) I am grateful for my losses. So many others have it so much worse: In one year, three women close to me lost their "fantasy of a child." One miscarried at 8 weeks (a blighted ovum, or "phantom pregnancy"), one lost her baby at 20 weeks gestation (major genetic defects), and one was denied an attempted adoption partway through (the bio mom changed her mind). None of these babies existed as babies when they were lost. But all of these women suffered, and I would not be the one to say who had it "worse."
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understanding and sadness
Reading this article just seemed kind of heartbreaking to me. For many years I have worked with special needs children and youth and have worked with many children from failed adoption situations. I have been on a soapbox many times stating that it is your choice when you adopt and it is OK to say no if you do not believe you will be able to provide and offer the child all they will need to survive. There is no shame in knowing one's limits and not wanting to jump into what may be a life of hardship. The aftermath of taking a child in and turning them away later because they were more difficult than expected is much more painful and more common than might be believed.
At the same time I feel such heartbreak for the child passed over. I have seen so many people miss out on truly incredible kids because they just couldn't be bothered. I think some of it may come down to a fear that we are all expendable if it we become too much work.
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No Guarantees
"My hunger for a healthy child felt primal and all-consuming."
Who wouldn't want a perfect baby? We should all be so blessed. There are no guarantees in life. None. The LW's biological child may or may not be healthy (of course I wish her and her baby the best), but few things in life are for certain and some things are out of our control.
Her feelings of guilt at turning down the referral are understandable. I hope she's not naive enough to believe that a biological child is guaranteed a clean bill of health, more so than an orphan from a third world country.