Letters to the Editor
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choice
THese are the wages of choice, and you have to pay them. When your own child is born, you won't have the choice, and you'll find a way, somehow, if you need to. But if you had a adopted her and things had turned out even more difficult than your expected them too, you might have also had second thoughts and feelings of guilt. I think the fact that you got pregnant shows hat you made the right decision. You can't marry every guy or parent every child, and it's best to know your limits.
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From a special-needs parent
You'll probably get a lot of letters from special-needs parents, like me, who will haughtily tell you that you chose to miss out on the biggest adventure of your life. But if I had had a choice -- if I had known what was ahead of us before my son was born -- I can't say whether I would have chosen him or let him go. I don't know.
I think we all believe our lives are supposed to be as easy as we perceive others' lives to be.
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Thank you
For such a thoughtful, heartfelt and honest essay about the trials and challenges of trying to become a parent. Although I hope you're prepared for the onslaught of nasty letters you're going to get for being so honest about such difficult, complex subject matter.
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The road not travelled
It haunts all of us. Personally, I respect your choice. Being willing to care for a special needs child is admirable, but it can be a challenge ever for the child's biological parents, and it is not something to be taken on lightly. The baby in India should not have ever been presented to you as an option, given that she was outside of all of the parameters you had defined in your adoption goals. The real tragedy is that they waited so long to find her a home - if she had been placed sooner she might have had a better life. That, however, is not your fault or your problem.
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You really did the right thing...
Knowing your limits is extremely important. Adoption is a lifelong commitment and if you can't handle a child with those needs, you're doing yourself a favor, but more importantly, that child a favor, by not adopting her.
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Touching
I think this article is very touching. I wouldn't know; nor do I presume to guess what I might do, were the shoe on the other foot .
While I appreciate the insight into involuntary childless-ness, I can still only wonder what I might have done since I gave birth to my son when I was barely 17. If things were tough then, now I only imagine what I might be going through had I given him up for adoption. A very difficult -- as the writer here says -- "impossible choice", indeed. I am thankful I did not have to make that choice, and that is an understatement.
Yet, here in the U.S., with me being white, I am equally sure that if I had chosen to give my son up for adoption, he'd be enjoying a wealthier lifestyle than we have now. All this to say, I rejoice that I do not feel the particular pressure so many women in childless marriages might face.
Some friends accuse me of taking everything too personally. Yet, this writer expresses herself so very well and addressess a wide variety of issues in this two page article. I hope that this couple might find peace with the new baby of their own.
I am left feeling somewhat haunted by the thought that...babies need their mothers so much so that they might not thrive in an "institutional" setting. It makes me feel like, if I was tiny, I might not make it in one of those "institutional" settings, either. Yet; that is the luck of the draw, now isn't it.
I hope and pray this tiny one received another chance. And I appreciate the writer baring her soul for us as she has; I am moved by her words and heart.
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Funny thing is...
I felt compelled to write a quick reply assuring you that I appreciate your honesty and thoughtfulness even though Salon readers were sure to cream you. But all the letters written so far seem to say the same thing. LOL--I guess Salon letter writers aren't as nasty as their reputation.
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She Will Be With You Forever
You will always carry the memory of that little girl in your mind. Because when you considered her referral, you gave her a piece of your heart, forever.
It's that way with adoption.
You can't help but give away bits of your heart throughout the process.
You give away your heart to the baby whose referral you accept, but whose adoption doesn't work out due to reasons beyond your control.
You give away your heart to the special babies who catch your eye at an orphanage or foster home, the ones you can't take home, but wish with all your heart you can.
You give away your heart to the poor children on the street of the country you are adopting from -- the ones who, hands out for a few cents, look at you pleadingly...you look at them and think that any one of them could have been your son or daughter in just a few years, and your heart breaks.
I believe that the children meant to be with us come to us, and so that little girl was not meant to be with you. But the fact that she is your thoughts means that maybe another child is meant to be with you.
I have a biological daughter, and we also adopted a son from Guatemala. It's wonderful to have these two special children in my life.
After you've had your biological baby, keep your heart open. There may be room to consider another adoption...because there are so many babies without special needs who need loving families.
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A very honest article
You will probably never stop wondering about this little girl, or worrying about her, or hoping for her, or praying for her, but that is because you are a decent, loving person--and you did the decent, loving thing by admitting that you and your husband weren't ready for this kind of challenge. Life is not a Hallmark movie--we have to be wise enough to realize this and not try to play out rescue fantasies with a child's life. There are parents out there who are able to raise children who have serious disabilities with realistic expectations and realistic outcomes. At this point in your life, you and your husband realized that you are not among them, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't think that you were selfish in turning down the referral. Instead, you were doing what you will be doing hundreds of times in the next seveal decades--that is, putting a child's best interests ahead of your own desires. Best wishes to you and your family.