Letters to the Editor
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Emotional Trickery
First off, I have never heard of this phenomena, so my guess is this is a west coast, SF or LALA land thing. Secondly this is really about people trying to turn their failure into a celebration. Accountability is no more.
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I mean, a party?" Barker's concern was legitimate, as the event's centerpiece was a three-tiered, pretty pink wedding cake with a murderous bride poised at the peak and a bloody groom, lying twisted on the plate below.
Where is Broadsheet to complain about the obvious misogyny. Oh, that's right, this is obvious misandry.... Crickets, as usual, from Salon.com.
Thank you Joan Walsh, your tenure here as been so uplifting to the human condition.
(Best wishes to you Nora and to your partner. I hope all goes well, and if not, I hope you can respect each other later on.)
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I mean, a party?" Barker's concern was legitimate, as the event's centerpiece was a three-tiered, pretty pink wedding cake with a murderous bride poised at the peak and a bloody groom, lying twisted on the plate below.
Think about the imagery. It's cute. It's funny.
Now reverse the sexes. It's no longer so cute. It's not funny at all.
Carol Lloyd? Tracy Clark-Flory? Lynn Harris? Katharine Mieszkowski who likes to purge the comment section? Are you going to remark on the obvious here?
Is there any reason Barker should not be awarded a restraining order from his ex due to the threat this cake implies?
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mass email announcements
I don't see why anyone should get worked up about sending a generic mass email about a divorce. The rest of the stuff is tacky, but one of the facts of divorce is that there are a lot of people who need to know - or who think they do (and believe me, there are people who you wouldn't think would particularly care, but seem to get very offended if they find out that you're getting a divorce when you change your Facebook marital status).
I'm in the middle of a divorce myself, and I just don't have the emotional reserve (or cell phone minutes) to call everyone I know and tell them. I sent out several mass emails - very basic, non-blaming, just saying that we're splitting up amicably and giving contact info for me and my ex - tailored to a few specific groups: mutual friends from college, extended family, and my own friends. Especially with the holidays coming up, I felt that would be more appropriate than just sending out holiday cards signed from me and my child, and letting people find out that way.
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How cool!
Now, I don't have much time to type because I need to get a mass email ready to tell everyone that I got fired from my job, my kid is failing science and my dog has fleas. Rejoice in failure!
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The Real Problem
Now, of course, if we'd just listen to Pat Robertson, et al... the REAL source of this problem must surely be that gay people want to get married.
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Me Me Me Me Me
Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
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Narcissism Rules
Divorce, adultery, announcements, parties...
All this shit is just another sign of a narcisstic society. For all of its downfalls and unnecessary gender coding, marriage is an act of community building. It requires commitment before love and compatibility and all the things that make marriages fulfilling relationships. Divorce is only going to get worse in a society that champions "me" over all; that tells its children that they come first no matter what.
Divorce rates shot up concurrently with two trends. The first had to do with consumerism in a modern capitalist society--the market sold individual happiness to the extent that marriage became a disposable commodity. If you aren't happy, discard and buy another.
The second trend was justifiable--women's rights to respect in the household. Nobody should have to stay in an abusive relationship, period.
In the rare cases where physical and severe emotional abuse threaten the health and security of a person, divorce is essential. But to divorce for simple unhappiness is just plain selfish--especially when children are involved. Don't get married in the first place.
Unfortunately, divorce has become a hereditary trait. Among all the friends that I know who have divorced, at least one but usually both parties in their marriages came from divorced parents. There was no model of commitment for them.
My wife and I both come from families in which the parents stayed together. Her parents are committed but not romantic, but they still show their commitment to each other through their caring for each others' health and their jointly offered help and advice to their children. My parents are head over heels in love after 40 years. Both sets of parents together display the spectrum of how marriages can work when both parties are committed. When I talk to my children--who are just getting interested in romance--in the future about marriage, I will tell them to privilege someone who comes from a married couple. Hopefully they will learn from the example of both sets of parents how to put others before themselves.
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Is there anything people won't do to get a gift?
I don't mind the divorce announcements, or even a party for the divorcee to comiserate with their closest friends and family over the end of a marriage. I do, however, mind the registery. That to me goes one step too far.
Just because someone decided to end their marriage does not warrent me going out to buy them yet another gift to mark this "milestone" or to help them start this new phase of their lives. It warrents me taking that person out for drinks, to listen to them cry about where things went wrong and what a complete bastard/bitch he/she was. I do not feel any obligation to go to Pottery Barn to replace anything that may have been loss when one partner moved out.
Maybe it's because I'm a single woman, but I'm extremely aware of all of the gifts that I give for other people's great events in life. Engagment gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts, baby shower gifts... the list seems endless and never reciprocated. It just seems like people will use any excuse to sent you that reminder that they are registered (which is unmistakable code speak for "send a gift"). What's going to be next? Dad's dead, so mom's registered at Bed Bath & Beyond for a new bedset? Please...