Letters to the Editor
-
Shallowness?
@Madame Defarge-- One can only wear the hair shirt for so long. After two years of constantly thinking of how I could be so stupid, when those papers finally come through it *is* a cause of celebration. Trust me, I know where I went wrong, and am a much better, smarter, confident woman than I was five years ago. My marriage was hell, but I certainly know better now. Don't assume that everyone (or anyone really) is a shallow bubblehead because you're not witnessing the self-recrimination.
-
There are some truly great guys out there......but facts are facts.
"If the generalization about men is a biological failing..."
Is it a generalization to state facts?
-
Any reason to party.
Sickening little trend here, but I think my story beats it. I always knew my dad and my uncle didn't get along, but two weeks after dad died, uncle hosted a big party.
The poster who asked why Americans are such assholes has a good question. We do seem to be the rudest, most insensitive louts on the planet.
-
I don't get the gifting and party thing
While I can understand that's it's a relief to get out of a bad marriage, and it's sometimes a healthy thing to do, I see a divorce as a time for grieving, not partying.
But then, I'm appled by Christmas newsletters, over the top weddings, and the impersonality of announcing one's divorce through a mass email.
The amount of time and money that is spent planning a wedding, makes me wonder if the party isn't the thing for some people, rather than what is supposed to be a sacred rite.
The divorce parties, merely serve to reinforce that idea.
It's all unconsious, of course.
-
Men and women come out about equally badly in divorce
If you ask mens' rights activists, men do worse in divorce. If you ask feminists, women do worse. But statistically, they come out about equally financially devastated.
-
Flyover52
Obviously, having a party (or not!) should be totally up to the person being divorced. I don't see how this contradicts what I said, though.
I personally think that the newly divorced should be encouraged to put it all into perspective:
yes, a divorce is sad, but nobody died, and now you can take that trip/redecorate/go back to school/sleep late/change the TV channel to the one you really want to watch, just like you always wanted to. Not to minimize what you have lost, but to remind you that you still have so much to live for.
I do wonder what amount of time Flyover thinks is "appropriate" for the newly divorced to mourn and mope around before they start dating again?
Divorces may take 2-5 years to be finalized as it is. Are we supposed to wait another 5 or 10 years before trying to remember our flirting skills? Remember, many of us are already in mid-life!
I tend to think that Flyover's attitude is really just a disguised version of the same old social shunning. As if we shouldn't be seen in polite society until a decent interval has passed (1-2 decades), or we have (conveniently!) died in the meantime.
-
chezyl
You ever think that you were the liar and your husband is just glad that you are out of his life and he is free from an emotional and financial anchor?
-
To Ben Sen's Anonymous
I'll amend myself to fit your response to see if it brings up the level of dialogue.
If there is nobody that can be told the "juicy details" of a divorce therein lies the problem--even if it's therapy in the form of "friendship for pay." The real loss is intimacy. If it's across the board it will eventually destroy the marriage. So many think the world begins and ends with them and thus lack the humility that marriage requires.
I have many friends who worked infinitely harder on their divorces than their marriage, especially when children force them into repeated contact--and that isn't a bad thing for the children--and worth celebrating if it is the earnest intention. (I also note how few in the trace are bringing in this factor.)
I do detect a bit of defensiveness here Anon. In not giving yourself an online identity you choose invisibility over having anyone get to know you.
-
Divorce and Celebrating the transition
As the North American Director of the Celebrant Foundation & Institute and a keen supporter of marking the milestones of life in a meaningful and personal way. Celebrants officiate at more than 3000 ceremonies a year and that includes divorce ceremonies too.
I read Nora's article in SALON.COM and I want to tell you how VERY happy I am that SALON is bringing the subject of divorce and how to acknowledge it to the attention of your readership. I agree with Nora that divorce “parties” for many people are celebrated as a big bash and unfortunately may lack depth or meaning for the divorcee at a truly important time in their life that might also have deeply influenced/affected the lives of their family, friends and children. Since fifty percent of marriages lead to divorce it is important that we as a society focus on it head on and pay this “life transition homage but in a way that is meaningful, respectful and constructive. I say let’s not sweep it under the rug and make divorced folks (like me) feel diminished by the experience but instead be open and realized that, as sociologist Joseph Campbell says - “as some doors in life close others open and the possibility of renewal in life always exists’’.
Collectively as a society we can learn to honor the difficult and devastating experiences as well as the happy ones like marriage; we can acknowledge the lessons we’ve learn and appreciate the benefits received through this and many other shattering experiences. This is even more important since stats show that 80% of divorces couples worldwide remarry. Also it is important to remember that many divorce couples have children that can only benefit from knowing that even though mom(my) and dad(dy) are not married anymore they are still as a family unit - parents and family. The children can be assured through a well prepared ceremony that voices that their parents are still their parents and that also goes for their grandparents, friends and cousins…everyone important in the children’s lives will continue to love and support them.
No couple goes into a marriage saying “hey I can’t wait to get a divorce!”, I know I didn’t. Couples get married with the ideal of marriage in place in their hearts and minds; they believed that their union will be a long-lasting and loving relationship that will hopefully last a lifetime - and for many people that is the case but for those whose marriages end it should not be described in a unconstructive way as a “failed marriage” as if that is the only thing it should be defined as and have to other redeeming merit.
A well done ceremony to assist with the transition from marriage to divorce can include a party of shared toasts and breaking bread and can also be a great and thoughtful opportunity for adults to teach life’s lessons to children and to share and acknowledge the support from their family and friends. Divorce is a major life transition that society more often than not fails to recognize, and individuals wrongly are made to feel guilt, shame or failure. Anyone that has been through or is going through a divorce needs to know that they are brave and respected for being able to come through one of life’s most overwhelming experiences with the support of their community and belief in themselves. Like the phoenix of ancient mythology they can rise from what they or society perceives as ashes but in reality it’s just “life” in it’s full glory that we experience. The value of personalized ceremonies has always been and will continue to be vital for the well-being of each individual and our society.