Letters to the Editor
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Even True Gossip Is Evil
Do not talk about your friends to their other friends. Somebody had an abortion. I talked about it. Eventually, I did or had something worse. They probably talked about it.
We grow up believing that Gossip is a laughable, low-class thing, not the sort of thing we higher-class, smart people ever need to worry about. We are not prepared to deal with our own human tendencies.
Please never gossip, and teach your kids never to do it. As other posters have said, go bowling or take drum lessons instead.
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I've got an idea...
The short part of this piece wherein the author talks with her mother about what else there is to discuss when gossip's off the table made me so sad...apparently 'ideas' make for lousy conversation, at least in Lucy's mind.
My live-in boyfriend and I rarely gossip--when we do, it stays between us--because most of the time we talk about ideas. Politics; my god, there's plenty going on there lately. And you can feel like you're gossiping when you debate the potential for the Republicans to gain any seats at all (let alone the Presidency) in the next elections.
How about travel? Where would you go, if money were no object? Where have you been? What did you love about the places you went?
Medicine, biotechnology, technology. Gosh, there's so much happening in those fields it could fill your conversations for the next century. Seen the story about the new schizophrenia medicine? It could be a life-saver for the people who suffer from this disease. Do you know what's different about it?
I know I won't get this right, but there's an old saying about the size of minds and the topics of conversations, and it ends saying big minds discuss ideas. Try those some time.
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I agree with all those commenters who found this writer unattractive and this article unworthy of Salon
It's sort of amusing to listen to an obnoxious, self-satisfied, shallow little twit reveal the inner workings of her small, buzzing mind; it's nice to have one's negative impressions of gossipers confirmed.
But it's a guilty pleasure. One really should waste one's time reading this type of tripe.
However, in my defense, it takes a bit of perusal to be sure that the article is just a bit of guilty trash. You have to sort of give Salon a chance to be worthwhile, afterall. You've read the entire thing before you are certain it contains nothing of value.
Salon, it is your job to prevent this waste of my time.
The writer: Books and ideas are boring.
Now, that's an idea.
"Ideas" are essentially those things which happen inside the mind, afterall. She's saying that anything which happens inside the mind is boring? Only others' personal lives are interesting?
Speak for your own mind's ideas, darling.
Surely Salon can find something better to headline next time?
Jan VanDenBerg
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Crafting Stories
This is a great article. I enjoyed it immensely and the corners of my mouth are still pointed upward as if I just shared a great, bawdy joke. Thanks for the breath of fresh air on one of the last dog days of summer. At least I hope that is one of the last dog days of summer?
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profound
Despite the wealth of unfavorable literary critique here, this unassuming piece by Ms. Silag speaks directly to a fundamental, universal conflict within our hearts of darkness and our struggles to transcend self-destructive impulses. Her simple but astute observation that gossip is a universal compulsion, coupled with the emotional over-reaction in these responses, points to something that is both archetypal and disturbing to us.
Oh, wait . . . . sensitive readers who are discomforted by evolutionary theory should stop reading here. Skip directly to the next letter.
Think of gossip as it is commonly understood (with, as noted, the rush of superiority and ascendance, as well as twinge of guilt) and fundamentally as a behavior: in a small group, utterances are produced about an individual not present, and with the following effects: 1) the esteem and status of the individual not present is likely lowered (raising the status of others), and/or vulnerabilities are exposed, 2) behaviorally the individual not present is likely to be marginalized, excluded, or deprived of benefits (like social capital) afforded to the group, and 3) the individual making the utterances displays the fact that she or he possesses a valuable commodity, currency, or resource not possessed by the others – information which may affect status in a group or hierarchy – and thereby raises his or her value and status.
In our embedded history, status, security in a group, and associated access to physical, social, and reproductive resources were all about safety and survival, and gossip functions to enhance or lower status and group inclusion. Ancestral forms of gossip likely drove emergence of one of the most consequent and potent adaptations in human behavior – the lie. The cost of gossip is loss of trust, of congruence, and social (as opposed to individual) safety. It’s so hard to resist because refusing to engage is actually experienced as a sense of risk or loss of safety and belonging – check out what it feels like next time it happens. (You don’t need studies or evolutionary theory to directly access that experience.)
And yes, it really is all about evolutionary psychology. Get a grip.
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Get Lucy a copy of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" STAT ...
I realized after posting earlier that this young woman really "didn't have a clue" ... anxiety about not having anything memorable and/or witty to add to her coffee-clatch was compromising her good instincts ....
Seriously ... The book has helped others and can help you as well ... There are other similar self-help books available at your local library (where no one you know will witness) ... for god's sake, avail yourself before you totally destroy your crebibility as an intelligent responsible person ... really ..
Carnegie's advice is tried and true and generally irrc "honorable" and it might just give the author -- and anyone else desperate about holding up their end of the conversation -- enough self-confidence to do better.
[this is my "compassionate" response. In my family we had mealtimes in which we were all expected to engage in "civilized" conversation -- sulking, brooding and sighing were generally ignored. I have worked with any number of younger co-workers who appeared -- at first -- to have no boundaries and no sense of propriety (so easily did they share extremely "personal" details). Eventually, I came to suspect that they simply had no "training" in what used to be call "small talk." This is an alternate, and more compassionate, imho, theory. ]
Don't knock it until you've tried it ...