Letters to the Editor
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"Which is worse: To be boring or catty?"
You don't actually have to be either.
I have spent years on both sides of the gossip grapevine. When I was younger, I was the one being talked about, teased, or otherwise tortured in that malicious, catty way that girls seem to have mastered. Then I changed school districts and found myself suddenly in the "cool" group; I turned the tables and began talking about other people like it was my job, and this continued pretty much up until the day I graduated high school.
I've since graduated from college and consider myself to have grown up quite a bit (although clearly I've still got many years ahead of me), and I honestly attribute that to my ability to interact with people, about people, in neither a catty nor a boring way, a skill I discovered and cultivated in my college years.
People are going to do things that you're going to want to talk about. It happens. But don't share information just because it's juicy. If you're telling people something just because you feel like a million people should know, you're doing it for the wrong reason. If you're betraying a confidence, or sharing something in a way that would make the person you're talking about extremely hurt or upset, then you're doing it wrong.
But jeez, if one of your friends is talking about someone mis-billing her, then feel free to bring up your friend and her Netflix problem as proof that you've seen these things happen too. Just don't say it in a way that implies that the friend you're talking about is an idiot for what happened to her-- that's what makes gossip catty--your own implied (or even outright acknowledged) judgment on the person you're talking about.
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You're irritating just to read.
This essay encapsulates the reason many women steer clear of women like you. If you're yammering about them, then you're yammering about me, duh.
Sorry, but you sound boring AND catty, and maybe not so bright, too: Gossip has nothing to do with discussing with your fiance how much your parents can contribute to your wedding, or asking for professional advice about publishing. Your gossip consists of the apparent mountains of idle, dumb, mindless chatter mostly designed to make yourself feel superior and special and in the know.
But I promise I won't say this about you to anyone.
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Try listening for a change!
Instead of telling stories, whether they be about the mundane details of your daily life or the juicy details of the lives of others, why not try asking other people questions? Don't tell them about your online banking experiences: ask about their weekend, their dog, their partner, their likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc., etc. Many people love talking about themselves, so they wouldn't be bored, and you wouldn't be gossiping.
The truth here is, I think, that you are rationalizing your desire to gossip. For example, you state:
"Without asking for advice from people in the know, how on earth would I decide if I was getting a raw deal?"
What does this even mean? Of course you can ask advice from others without gossiping. The two have little to do with one another. You pretend not to know the difference beteween discussing the affairs of others when necessary to achieve some specific goal (as in your example of your parents and your wedding) and mean spirtited gossip. Of course you know the difference. They feel different for one.
I have always felt that those who need to speak ill of other people to gain attention don't feel worthy of attention based on their own merits. I know you intended this to be a light-hearted article, but after reading about your experience, I feel rather sad for you. Keep gossiping if you must, but don't give up on examining the reasons why you feel the need to do so.
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Enjoy the silence
“When I was growing up, both of my parents taught me that gossiping is good for you, that it makes you feel like part of a community, and less lonely, even if what you are doing is pointing out how alienating other people are.”
Funny, my mother told me the opposite. She said, “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.” My father was even more succinct. He said, “Shut your frigging mouth.” Other common phrases I heard growing up included “It’s none of your damn business. Loose lips sink ships. Don’t rat on your friends.” Furthermore, as I grew I learned about the nature of lies and the people who tell them. A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth gets its pants on. And that is what most of gossip is, LIES! Or at best gossip is a big ball of lies surrounding a tiny kernel of truth which no one hardly ever gets to see because of all the embellishments people like the article writer pass on when they just have to run their damn mouth. I guess it is different when you are a girl. I mean what’s the worst that can happen to you if you say the wrong thing about the wrong person at the wrong time. Usually not much, not so for a man. To each his own I guess.
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All or nothing?
This article is as if someone had written the following:
My credit card debts were out of sight, so I swore off all debt. I define "debt" as any borrowing from anyone for any reason. I made it work for a few weeks. Then I ended up spending the night in my office because someone had stolen my purse and my new scruples would not allow me to ask a friend for bus fare home. Now I realize that debt is a part of life. It makes me feel connected to my fellow consumers. Which is worse--to abuse credit cards or to be an abstemious miser?
How strange that a writer doesn't understand what gossip is. It's not the "all or nothing" affair that the article misrepresents it as being. It's not gossip to mention to a mutual acquaintance, "Jackie is quite the flower gardener and has won prizes at flower shows." Gossip is saying "Jackie went to a flower show last week without her husband. And she seemed to spend an awful lot of time talking with Bill. Come to think of it, his wife wasn't there either."
That's gossip. Again, it's strange that any adult, let alone a writer, would not understand something so simple.