Letters to the Editor
-
We have rejected societal traditions, but are now sold "traditions" instead
Once upon a time there were social "rules" for social "events", including weddings. The rules reserved the elaborate gowns and baubles for the rich, the poor were expected to follow a different set rules dictating simple arrangements that didn't attempt to ape the rich. We have rejected all of those old "rules" as a society -- and that has been, in many ways, very democratic and freeing.
But our wholesale rejection of those rules created a vacuum in which the wedding industry (and the funereal industry) grew. Because the average bride/groom and family attempting to give what was once a strictly upper class wedding have absolutely no idea what the "rules" were to such events they are sold all of these fake traditions/essentials by consultants/printers/hall renters/bridal shops all telling them that they "must" have cash bars or reply cards or limos or whatever else makes the vendors a buck.
Most brides no longer even view a wedding as a "social" event that they or their families are hosting-- instead they seem to see it as a stage production for which rented costumes are appropriate and guests are simply an audience for pageantry (rather than intimates who must be greeted and treated well).
-
Orgies are usually the last gasp of empire
I think the next generation will go back to simple weddings, if indeed marriage isn't viewed with a great deal of scepticism anyway. I mean we'll probably be on electricity, food and fuel rationing by then. So Marie Antionette-like balls will seem, oh, a tad tacky, no?
-
Wedding planner
My wife was the wedding (or reception) planner for both our daughters. The oldest ran off to Las Vegas in a sudden fit and got married in a "wedding chapel". We, and the grooms parents, hurriedly got involved and made it a little more traditional. But it cost only a few hundred bucks. Those mass production "wedding chapels" are pretty low cost, but a little tacky. The next one wanted a wedding on a lake shore in a national park, where she would canoe in and out. But the park service didn't want a horde partying on the shore, so we switched to a mountain top wedding at a ski area. She wore a $100 dress, and the most expensive part was renting a local restaurant for the afternoon festivities. The restaurant was in a beautiful location with great mountain views. The whole thing cost less than five grand, which included my paying for three nights at an expensive lodge in the park for the newlyweds. We had a reception at our church for the older one after the "chapel" business. The church ladies supplied the refreshments, and entertainment was provided by our talented friends. Cost: essentially zero.
We recognized that the wedding business is a suckers game and with a little imagination can be more fun, and less stressful, at far less cost if you gird up your loins and do it yourself. The thousands we saved then went to the newlyweds to help them get started in their married life.
My wifes brother did it the expensive way, and he went bankrupt as a result; that $2500 dress was an absolute necessity, although I couldn't tell it from our daughters $100 one.
-
Poor Friendless Me (I Guess)
For Blackglasses: thanks for the sorority/fraternity snottiness. "I guess a small wedding is okay if you're such a loser that you have only five friends and an 'uninvolved' family, but a popular kid like me just couldn't deny 1,000 people an invitation to my glorious princess party!"
Here's a thought: all those gazillions of your very bestest friends from high school/college/grad school/work/etc? You might try having smaller, more frequent get-togethers with them, where you'll actually be able to talk to them, rather than relying on your MegaWedding to perform the function of maintaining close ties. You know, a get-together in which they don't expect you to pay $10,000 for the pleasure of your company and you don't expect them to pony up an expensive gift.
(A suggestion--just avoid using "whom" altogether, because when you do it wrong, it really stands out.)
Now, for the rest of the "educated people" (blackglasses' phrase) who've chosen simplicity--my people, that is. My husband and I got married for insurance purposes (we were leaving grad school and he had a job lined up but I did not). My parents gave me about $1000 to help out. We spent most of it on a caterer (a friend from grad school) who did an awesome job (I still remember and try to replicate the food he made). We bought a selection of yummy cakes from a great local bakery. We bought beer and wine. I found a simple summery dress (not a wedding dress) at a local outlet mall. We invited our closest friends and family to a ceremony we held in our backyard and we invited a much larger group (more family, the rest of the grad school friends, the college friends) to a post-ceremony party. We were legally married at a JOP a few days before the ceremony, with our two closest friends as witnesses. Because we are not religious, we didn't have a clergyperson at the backyard ceremony; we asked one of our best friends, a graceful and articulate and universally charming person, to officiate. Oh, and we asked for donations to favorite charities instead of gifts.
The party was great; when I look at the pictures from it, I see clumps of happy people standing in our lovely backyard having great conversations--they're all relaxed, eating great food, and having a great time. I see in the pictures all the little kids running around--we could have kids at the ceremony because it was so casual. My husband had the idea to set up a large piece of posterboard and poster paints; he asked everyone to make a handprint on the posterboard and sign it. We've got it framed in our bedroom; people did the most creative things! Some people carefully painted each finger a different color, some people made cool shapes instead of traditional handprints (a soaring bird shape, for example), people wrote little notes and best wishes next to their prints...it was so cool.