Letters to the Editor
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Werd--don't do us no favors--:).
>...the number of your friends and relatives who truly don't give a sh*t about your wedding, and would rather do just about anything else on a Saturday afternoon, would probably startle you. Yeah, a lot of them are men, but a surprising number of women as well. Believe me, I've talked to them, in all walks of life.<
Somebody else's fairytale is usually everyone else's nightmare--g! I always wondered why groomsmen got _so_ royally smashed at weddings--until a male friend explained that that was the only way they could get through them.
>I simply don't know many people who relish getting dressed up and sitting through a ceremony--of any kind. There are also all the onerous "obligations" involved, which is a truly thoughtless thing to impose upon friends and loved ones.<
And the wedding-industrial complex has just made those obligations worse, not better. Because the "special day" and financial pressures have become so onerous, the rules of etiquette have multiplied like rabbits. You deal with some of these brides/grooms or go to some of these events and you feel like you've been tossed on a Broadway stage without a script--but are expected to give a good performance.
>And to all the idiots who think this is about proponents of simple weddings "feeling superior", just shut the hell up. It's about your self-indulgence, your unreasonable demands on the time and finances of others, and it's about the simple fact that most people don't like going to weddings. Go ahead, do an anonymous survey. I'm absolutely right about that.<
Much of the thinking behind modern weddings are still based on the small-town "everyone I know lives near me; weddings are still major events/entertainment for a community; and people will do anything to participate" model. I honestly think engaged couples really don't realize what a major financial/temporal hassle weddings can be for everyone else. Like I said, I'd sooner send a gift from Neiman's or Tiffany's and call it even then spend three times that much to attend an event I'd be too stressed-out/broke to enjoy.
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Criminey.
Some of you sound like you'll never forgive your friends for daring to invite you to their weddings.
If you can't go or don't care, decline. You don't even have to send a gift. I've done that quite a few times. But if I do care, then I want to be there and I enjoy it. People are happy, they're in a mood for a good time, and if I can go then I am happy to share my friends' happiness.
If nothing else, I would go for the humor value. Weddings are second only to funerals for unintended humor.
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It's not just the bride and groom who get scammed
it's the wedding party, or even simple guests as well. I can't tell you how much money I've been expected to spend on the run up to other people's perfect weddings over the last two years. A few random examples of many: my $300 pitch-in for a bachelorette party, another $150 for a hotel room stay for a different bachelorette party (and I slept on the floor, without a blanket), $350 worth of car rentals and gas, upwards of $500 for bridal showers/luncheons/cocktails etc. And that's not even taking into account the gifts I was expected to provide to each happy couple after the wedding.
When you live in a major urban area, and you're working in an industry that pays you just enough money to survive, this kind of stuff can really kill a well-meaning wedding guest (especially in the summer--wedding season--after holiday money and tax refunds are long gone).
Say what you will about "the strength of true friendship" and whatnot, but see if you dare to find out what happens if you don't ante up. A lot of pissed-off, passive-aggressive women, and a lower quality of life as a result, that's what happens.
The general concensus is that we're expected to pay a lot out of pocket for pre-wedding parties and get-togethers because the wedding itself is a gift of sorts to the bridal party and guests--it's a huge party with great food, free booze, dancing and the possibility of having a fling. Puh-lease. I didn't ask you to spend $300 per plate on a sit down dinner. I would have stood witness in a musty room in City Hall for hours. Next time, let's take a cab or the subway instead of a limo.
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Where's the joy in that?
After reading page upon page of responses to this article, I feel compelled to comment. I am in the process of planning for my own fall wedding, and find it absolutely offensive that someone would suggest that the length of a marriage is relative to the price of a wedding. And I am not naive. My former roommate chose to have a no-frills JofP ceremony followed by a backyard BBQ. Her then-husband was, unfortunately, a terrible alcoholic and the marriage ended within 18 months. A close grad school colleague who comes from a very wealthy family had a beautiful afternoon wedding in Santa Barbara, with a string quartet, cocktail hour, and live band for dancing after dinner. Yes, it cost twice my own wedding budget. But they have been married for 5 years, and remain totally committed to each other. Of course, my parents had a cake-and-punch reception and have been married for 34 years.
The success of a marriage has much more to do with the relationship than the money - or lack there of - that is spent on the wedding.
What distresses me most, however, and what drove me to create my first Salon Letters account, was the snobbery of so many comments in this thread. Why must we speak so poorly of a bride and/or groom who wants to spend $50,000 on their wedding? Is it a waste of money? Perhaps; IMHO, it could be put to better use. But couldn't we say that about so many financial decisions made by others? My future in-laws moved out of California, claiming that it was irresponsible to pay so much for real estate. My fiance and I can't part from the ocean and will pay whatever we must to have our "shack by the sea". Are we being irresponsible because we know what we want and are willing to work hard to get it? I don't think so.
In the same way, what about extravagant graduation ceremonies or state dinners? Why do we feel it is important to make "a show" of important events in our lives? IMO, it's because humans need to create milestones that give meaning to the passage of time, life changes, major decisions, etc.
I believe that Mead's book provides much-needed insight into the wedding industry, and today's brides should heed its warnings. But to put down other couples, and claim that the "bigger the wedding, the worse the marriage," is just as naive as believing that an extravagant wedding will be a solid defence against divorce.