Letters to the Editor
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Oprah episode years ago
One of the last times I ever watched the Oprah show: there was an episode years ago about just this thing, how people were going into hock for tens of thousands of dollars for the "perfect" wedding, only to suffer depression and malaise after their "perfect day".
After some probing by some psychology talking-head, a really interesting answer came out from the Perfect Brides. It turns out that this day that they had been planning since they were little girls was all they really wanted; they were totally unprepared for -- and apparently didn't actually want -- a marriage.
Too bad they found that one out too late...
I don't mean to crow or sound superior or anything (well, maybe just a little) but I can't imagine wanting anything like that. I hated my birthday parties when I was little because I couldn't stand being the center of attention like that. I always say that my ideal wedding is a quickie JofP ceremony and a barbecue in the back yard of my grandparent's house. In fact, the best wedding I ever went to was -- ironically -- that of a girl from an extremely wealthy family who probably could have had as extravagant a 'do that she wanted. It turns out that what she wanted was to get married on the back porch of her folks' summer home in Maine, to have their cocktail hour in the front yard (the receiving line was down the gravel driveway along the side of their house!), then to have the reception in the back yard (the catering crew broke down the a 'destination', banquet hall, ridiculous flowers, etc. they blew the dosh to throw a bitchin' party for their friends and family: great band, great food, discount rate on a hotel wedding chairs and set up the dinner tables and buffet while the cocktail hour and photos were happening). It was low-key, homey, friendly, and instead of spending all their money on within walking distance. Totally amazing, and memorable because the entire focus was on the guests and the party, and the real and palpable devotion between the bride and groom.
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Weird typo, let's try again!
It was low-key, homey, friendly, and instead of spending all their money on within walking distance.
Don't know what happened there, that was weird. What I meant to say was this:
Instead of spending all their money on a destination, a banquet hall, extravagant flowers, and a one-time-only dress, they blew the dosh on a great party for their friends: great food, a great band, and a discount rate on a hotel within walking distance.
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What's most disturbing about the wedding industry...
at least from my perspective, is its relentless focus on appearance and facade. It's not about honoring genuine traditions (whatever those may be) or the impending marriage or the emotional or religious committment a couple is making - it's about projecting a certain image, with all of one's friends and family and acquaintances as a captive audience for at least one day. In spirit, the big wedding is identical to the McMansion - most of the focus is on appearance. The *substance* is less importance than the projected image. The comfort and utility of the McMansion is less important than the image it projects of "success" and having "made it" in modern America; the spirtitual and emotional content of the wedding ceremony is likewise vastly less important than the impression made by the event (and memorialized in the ubiquitous wedding albums/photos/portrait that gets hung up in the never-used dining room).
A common, and telling, phenomenon at modern big weddings is the bride and groom and bridal party the size of Hannibal's army disappearing for an hour or two to do pictures, while guests stand around at a reception site waiting for the "happy couple" to appear. That is a pretty blatant statement about what a couple feels is really the important aspect of the wedding. Hint: it's NOT their guests and assorted "loved ones."
One final comment: I don't think it's as hard to "opt-out" of the wedding-industrial complex as the author of the book and various letters have suggested. I had a very small, perfect wedding (12 guests, courthouse, dinner) and got no grief from anyone about it. Friends who were not there sent nice cards (no gifts, of course, which was absolutely correct) and well-wishes. And no one has ever given me a hard time (or, as far as I can tell, even noticed) my lack of an engagement ring, diamond or otherwise. Are there really people rude and obnoxious enough to actually vent their anger at a newly-wed couple for not having had a big wedding? If so, I must just be lucky to not know them.
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P.S. I have noticed a clear pattern with friends and aquaintances
Has anyone else noticed the apparent inverse correlation between size of wedding and length of marriage? I'm not kidding. Has anyone done a study on this?
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Guerilla Wedding
I predict you'll get like a zillion letters like this one:
We staged our own guerilla wedding, with only immediate family and two very close friends, at our favorite park on San Juan Island (near our hometown). My brother officiated, my father-in-law took photos, and my mother-in-law brought sandwiches. Total guest list: 9 people. Just as we finished our vows, a pod of killer whales surfaced about 100 yards offshore. It was literally the best day of my life (so far). Even with hotel rooms it cost like $1500.
To stave off the "why didn't you invite us?" firestorm, we threw a party in the local brewpub a week later. Those are the kind of guests (cousins, friends) who go to a wedding for the party anyway. I think that party ran to another $1000, with an open bar and all-you-can-eat pizza.
Not only did we pay for all this ourselves, we didn't even use credit cards. I don't think we had to plan for the expense at all. You can't buy a memory, no matter how much (or little) you spend. Anyone who advises otherwise is selling you something.
FWIW this was my second wedding. The first was large and stressful and traditional and beautiful and all that but the marriage barely lasted a year. I scarcely remembered the day of my first wedding ON the day of my first wedding. I think it's telling that many of my friends who've remarried went for much smaller, more personal ceremonies for our real (i.e. final) weddings. When I hear of these big Bridezilla wedding I feel very sad for everyone involved, except I suppose for the shirt-tail relatives who get to enjoy a really lavish party on their second-cousin's nickel.
So that's something to remember when you throw these big weddings: the people who are going to have the best time are the people you care the least about.