Letters to the Editor
-
It's really a matter of priorities
We'll be married in just over four months, with likely 170 guests attending - it's an expensive weekend, with dinner for the family and wedding party on Thursday, a catered welcome party for the entire guest list on Friday, and the wedding and reception on Saturday. The difference between us and many? We've already purchased our home, our retirement accounts are well-funded, we make significant charitable contributions every year, and we've saved to pay for this event - there will be not one dime of wedding or honeymoon debt.
And marriage planning? Having represented divorcing parties as an attorney and mediator for several years, you can bet that we've spent far more time planning our marriage than we have the wedding (and we've spent plenty of time planning the wedding). Don't assume that because one is having a large wedding it's to practice some kind of avoidance on the realities of marriage (don't get me wrong, I've seen it happen many times -- just as I've seen people spend less than $1000.00 on their wedding, and less than 2 minutes planning the marriage).
As for the stress of planning -- sure, there are Saturdays we'd rather go hiking than meet with vendors, but overall we're both enjoying the planning process as much as we will our wedding weekend - this isn't about the bride, or the groom, or even the bride and groom's parents/families - it's about community, and a singular opportunity to show our friends and family how very much we appreciate their presence in our lives. At a very basic level, this event is about our guests -- and having them comfortably enjoy a very good time is important to us.
Should one partner "cave in" to the other's desires for a big wedding? - I don't think so (too much room for later resentment). Should a couple (or the bride's or groom's parents) take on debt to pay for a wedding? - again, I don't think so (it adds unnecessary financial stress to the beginning of the marriage, either within the couple or with the in-laws). But, should a couple with the desire and means to do so choose not to have a large wedding just because there's pressure in our society to have a big wedding? Again, I don't think so -- free choice exists for a reason, after all.
-
Hey Goddesses - Look At Yourselves (For Once) As Others See You
I was thinking about new age feminism, as I read this, and just took out the most saleint quotes - read ladies, this is YOU and the irrational world you've made for us all:
spa treatments!
women in their 30s and younger getting dressed up like princesses
post-feminist act,...we live in a world that is permeated by and saturated with [these] achievements of feminism
The idea of a diamond wedding ring being a token of enduring love was something that was entirely invented in the 1940s by this woman, Frances Gerety
unintentionally hilarious, but also very chilling. People who,...appear to be very warm and sentimental, but,...are completely coldblooded about it.
grown women are sold the same princess fantasy,...as if one never grows out of wanting to dress up in tulle and wave a magic wand,...There's this very childish fantasy about what life is like, what married life is like and what the world is like.
What I was interested in was,...the hopes and wishes and dreams of the women, especially -- and what that says about how our culture works in a larger way.
It is irrational.
there are people who need to get married in order to get divorced.
it's also just so ... pathetic
one thing is that she has to figure out what she wants
they should think twice before feeling that they are culturally obliged to participate in practices and rituals that have no meaning,... and really only mean a paycheck for the people who are selling them stuff. I think a lot of people would be a lot less stressed and happier if they felt they were off the hook.
-
Too Much Money? Maybe, Maybe Not
I think people should have the weddings they want. What bothers me about the pendulum swing from living room weddings to big blowouts is that the criticism is not aimed at people who can afford these weddings (mostly). It is aimed at middle class people going out of their minds trying to put on an event they will never have another chance to do.
There are two shows on WE TV that I used to watch - "Bridezillas" and "Platinum Weddings." The people on the "Platinum" show were not stressing. These were rich people who had a zillion people to do everything for them, and organizers who had Plan Bs in place if something went wrong. In fact the show was so low key it almost put me to sleep. These people were USED to formality. Putting on a tuxedo or getting fitted for a pricey gown was not stressful to them. They also knew which forks to use at a formal dinner and what wine to order with what main course.
"Bridezillas", on the other hand, seemed to take a sadistic glee in watching women (and men) with full-time jobs run around trying to pull together their weddings. Some of these weddings weren't even that extravagent, but just the logistics of dealing with family, venues and fittings was enough to make them wish they could herd cats instead. There were some episodes where you could tell that the formality of the event was daunting to them. But I don't see the point in making fun of or criticizing people who want to have a formal wedding, even though they were not to the manor born. OK, OK, a couple of those brides were awful, but most of them were just stressed.
Maybe the Cinderella wedding appeals to people because Cinderella was initially blocked and teased at every turn for her efforts to go to a fancy ball. Remember, she initially made a gown that was torn to bits by her supposedly socially superior stepmother and stepsisters.
I think there is a point that it is hard to find a consensus on tradition for weddings in this country. The advice to focus on what is really important and the particulars of your own situation is good advice.
I can't honestly say that my wedding was shoestring, but it wasn't extravagent either. My husband and I were relatively new to town and didn't know a whole lot of people and we also had small immediate families, so our wedding was about 40 people. I couldn't abide the thought of wearing white at 32, so I actually bought a blue bridesmaid's dress instead. My husband's wonderful father came into town and bought his son a dark gray suit for the ceremony. We were married in the local botanical garden - we lucked out like crazy and got the date we wanted - for $250.00!! for the entire evening We had the reception in the basement, with friends making the food. Apparently at the time nobody got married there. They do now - costs $5,000.00 to rent, twenty years later, but you save on flowers.
We were married by a friend's minister, since we did not have a church. He required pre-marriage counseling. One of my fondest memories of that time is walking to the church in the early evening after work (it was Fall) getting counseled by the minister (he was good!) and then walking home again.
Since I had a host of elderly relatives who could not attend, my biggest expense was photography. I've never regretted it. I hired a friend to take the pictures and told her to photograph everything - and she did. My mother had announcements printed up, and many of those wonderful relatives sent gifts upon receiving the announcements and pictures, even though they were not required to.
For people being railroaded by relatives and the bridal industry - the best weddings are a little bit old and a little bit new.
I also don't think big weddings are necessarily bad. One of the first weddings I went to was a Catholic wedding followed by a huge reception at a country club. I was invited because I made the dress (this was the early 70s). The wedding mass was long but interesting to me. The blowout at the country club was even better. The father of the groom was loaded and rented the entire club and grounds for the evening. (It was open to guests immediately after the ceremony, which was great). If he was stressing over the cost, he didn't show it. The drinks, food, music and games went on into the wee hours, long after the bride and groom made their exit. It was great and they are still married today.
I also have friends who had JP weddings who are still married, and people including myself, who had mid-size weddings who are still married.
Lastly, I think a previous poster was absolutely correct about the hideousness of 80s and early 90s wedding dresses - just awful. But I think the strapless dress is getting boring too. I've never seen a particular style stick around for so long.