Letters to the Editor
-
C'mon, kids aren't that fragile and, if they are, it's probably our fault.
When I discuss parenting with my (university) students, they often have the view that "bad" parental behaviour causes problems for children in an overly determinist, cause-effect manner. I'll describe my own childhood in the late 1950s and early 60s with a mother who was, to put it bluntly, a psych case (and she did see psychiatrists frequently: I have fond memories of my first time in a hotel in Rochester, Minnesota, my two siblings and I playing with our toys in the lobby while my mother was admitted to the Mayo Clinic for a few days so the shrinks there could find out what was wrong with her). Much of my childhood was spent trying to be quiet while she lay on a bed, couch, or whatever, with a cold wet cloth on her forehead, getting up every few hours to whack us a few times for making too much noise, too much mess, etc. Several of my childhood friends also had families with "issues" that, while not similar to mine, were similarly disruptive, and we often had our play interrupted by someone's mother (or, less often, father) who would whack their kid for some observed or perceived misbehaviour while the rest of us watched and waited (often snickering since we knew that the kid deserved it and more). And, wow, somehow, we've managed to grow up to be normal people.
My students listen to these stories and often assume that I must be exaggerating: no one could have an upbringing like that and not be a basket case themselves (and, yes, I'm part of the problem since I teach according to the curriculum, which means that I also teach that early events can have important, long-term consequences). They've grown up to believe that there is a direct, one-way highway from dysfunctional parenting to dysfunctional childhood to dysfunctional adulthood, with no side trips, ever. A friend who's almost a generation younger than me even asked me once if I worry that I might someday do the same to my own kids, as if I absolutely must be a seething cauldron of pent-up emotional frustration.
All things being equal, it's better to not hit than to hit (and I've never struck any of my children although two of them do strike both my wife and me whenever they lose their tempers, probably in anticipation of hearing for the umpteenth time how, when I was their age, I wouldn't be left standing if I'd acted that way to my parents). The point is, children aren't as fragile as some of us would like to think, and we do them a disservice if we raise them to believe that they can be damaged forever by, let's face it, being on the receiving end of what is pretty common human behavior.
-
You Are All Diseased
Well you know what I say? FUCK the children! Fuck ‘em! They get entirely too much attention already.
-- George Carlin
-
How would I reward Heather for this column?
A week in a locked room alone with Alec Baldwin should about do it.
-
Looks like Havrilesky got what she wanted.
A whole lot of letters. And while browsing through them, I counted one person refusing to renew, one suggesting that this column be forwarded to Cary Tennis (the sympathetic advice columnist on Salon, heartwarming and almost never sticky) and one that says Hav is a liberal version of Rush Limbaugh.
To go through these: Salon has many good writers, with the exception of Havrilesky, and deserves financial support - and that means putting out your cash, not just skipping past the ads. While I enjoy Tennis's columns, his advice is intended for people who have taken Step One, realizing that they have a problem. That's too much for the Cappucino Queen to recognize.
And while there are similarities between Limbaugh and Havrilesky - the smugness, the cruelty, inability to own up to mistakes and ignorance - Limbaugh has never whined for attention. That need is the drive beneath Havrilesky's writing, from her incessant description of her personal life in her TV column to this article, where she openly begs for response posts.
I think it was Dan Aykroyd who did a Saturday Night Live sketch about a radio host trying to get people to call into his show, who tried being more and more offensive. I think it got to things like "I believe in drowning puppies in the bathtub, what do you think, listeners?" Looks like Havrilesky has gotten to that point. And her syncopantic supporters are cheering her on, kind of the same way that gay audiences cheered on Judy Garland's descent into drug addiction and death. They think she's just as camp and they're enjoying her struggles - like the struggles of a drowning puppy.
-
yelling vs. emotional abuse
As someone who's job it is to make recommendations in contested custody battles, I've had to deal with this issue many times: When does "yelling" cross the line to become emotional abuse? Frankly, I think name-calling is an excellent indicator of crossing this line. "Your behavior is disgusting" falls on one side of this line, and "You're disgusting" falls on the other. One or two slips by a parent (and we all lose our tempers sometimes) is certainly not going to "ruin" a child for life, but the long-term effects of consistent emotional abuse can be far worse than those of even physical abuse.
This isn't an issue of coddling spoiled children. I agree that some people no longer seem to be able to set any kind of limits for their children or create and enforce consequences for failing to comply. I think firm and stern discipline is needed to raise kids who can interact in a social world. But name-calling is simply not called for as a part of this.
-
Ms Walsh i want a way to not see posts by Anonymous, whoever she is
i'm TIRED of reading plain vanilla opinons by the so cowardly they dare not speak even behind Screen Names.
-
I'm sorry Heather Havilevsy's brother is a weirdo and that
she's a shallow dummy. I'm also sorry that her dad acted like a mean spirited, spiteful, half-bright bully to his kids. Apparently being a weird, shallow dummy is genetic.
My parents used to get plenty angry with me and my four siblings, but, amazingly, never felt the need to call us belittling names. We didn't call them names, either.