Jewish baby boys are circumcised on their eighth day of life. When my daughter Jennifer and her husband Jacob told my husband and I that they would not be circumcising their soon to be born son, we were beyond shocked. They compared it to female genital mutilation. Most human rights organizations that are against circumcision (such as the U.N.) make exceptions for religious purposes and, soon approve it to prevent AIDS in high risk areas. Some Human Rights commissions do not codemn male circumcision at all. Surely if this were a mutiltation they would all agree, as they do for female circumcision, and there could never be “exceptions”.

“Mom,” my son in law continued, “We don’t observe the rest of the 613 Mitvoth, this one is no different.” But it is very different to Jews. This is the one that goes to the core of being Jewish. The most widely observed ritual among all Jews for thousands of years.

My grandson is Jewish. Being circumcised is not a requirement to be Jewish. “Mom,” Jennifer explained, “It is not our decision to make. It is our son’s decision. We must leave it to him.” Now Jennifer and Jacob are very intelligent. But what they don’t understand is that by not making this decision to circumcise they have made the decision for him not to be circumcised. Will he thank them for not “mutilating him”? Or will he resent them for making him look different from his father, grandfathers, cousins and friends? We he be proud to be intact or will he resent having to deal with having to explain why he looks different from the other boys in the locker room. Will he be proud or angry to have to face making this decision himself? At what age is it considered informed consent? What if he is 5 and cries because he has been pointed at for being different. Will they circumcise him then? How many pointings and questions does it take for this to turn into silent shame for an innocent boy? One? Two?

Of course Jennifer and Jacob have all of the answers. They asked Howard and I to chill out over it. When I asked how they thought we might react, they said they thought we would support them as we always had, and besides it is none of our business, and to please let it go as Jen did not want the stress of dealing with my unhappiness. I nodded, tears in my eyes. I said nothing to them on the subject after that. ButI would cry on and off and of course, it was all that Howard and I would talk about. I saw a therapist and a few Rabbis for help with my depression.

I wondered what Jen would have told her Nanny Rosie if Nanny were still alive. How would Jen tell the woman who taught her how to bake Challah while telling her stories of life in the Russian Village where my mother, Nanny Rosie was born? Jennifer adored Nanny Rosie. She loved learning about her Jewish heritage. If my mother were still alive, what would she say to Jen? I also wonder where we failed. What did we fail to teach her? Why were Howard and I unable to instill the importance of her heritage in her. She said it isn’t about that. What then, is it about? "It's a new movement," said Jacob. "Times are changing. Circumcision is simply wrong." Are times changing? This movement has barely budged among Jews. It is very hard to find Jewish couples where the father is circumcised who do not circumcise their sons. (The exception being those from Russia where they were not allowed to circumcise.)

Time passes. My grandson Elijah is six months old and intact. I have finally let go of my dream that his parents would change their mind. It is a non-issue between Elijah and Howard and me. We could not love him more. We love every inch of him and it makes no difference what so ever to me that he is intact.

On the eighth day they had a very small alternative naming ceremony in their home that had a covenant with God without cutting but they did not, at our request, call it a Brit Shalom. Why was this covenant important if the rules of the covenant are ignored? All I have are questions with no answers.

Jennifer and Jacob believe the issue has passed and, as they claimed would happen, and that everything is now fine and the circumcision is a non-issue. But I cnnot agree. Everything is not quite so fine for Howard and I when it comes to Jennifer and Jacob. Jacob does not have living parents and he was like a son to us. I could not have loved him more if I gave birth to him. Howard was his father, his mentor and his best friend. Jen was my best friend since the day she was born. Now, there is a distance between us that just wasn’t there before and will not go away. We feel that they put their own fears and beliefs ahead of the Elijah's emotional and psychological needs. Will I be able to forgive them for that?

Perhaps, as in Neal Pollack's case, once this becomes an issue a family is torn apart.

When Jen asks me for advice I really don’t know what to say. Late in her pregnancy Jen asked me about something having to do with a Jewish custom regarding naming the baby. I sat their wondering why this issue should matter to her or why she would ask me. I simply said, “Well Jen, just do what you want.” It has become my answer to everything. I honestly don’t know what other advice to give her about any matters ever since my heart was broken on the eighth day.

in a way... i understand the confusion and regret held by the parents. i do not think it is their choice.

my foreskin was taken from me at or around childbirth. i grew up not even knowing what a foreskin was until college.

... in the end, god, or whatever you choose to call her/ him/ the entity which created us... chose a piece of skin to serve a vital function. who, in our "right" minds, do we think we are changing that and say "we know better"...?!?! i hate that i was circumcised. i want to yell at all the women who allow this to their newborn sons... "go have your clitoris cut off WITHOUT any pain medication." do you think any of them would do it? NO. not in western society.

leave what "god" intended intact. STOP thinking you know better. i guarantee that your less than 100 years you will spend on this earth you will NEVER know what the supreme creator knows in one mere instant.

research. learn. and understand people. learn your biblical scripts. it was a rite given to the sons of the house of abraham. NOT to a christian household. it is NOT medically necessary in most instances.

GROW UP. stop living with stupidity. Learn!