Joyce, you seem to be living largely through your offspring and your identification with them. I suggest sincerely and respectfully that you consider finding a good Rogerian therapist with whom you might explore your childhood, family of origin, and the meanings of self and parenthood for you.

I honestly don't understand why you were prepared to abort from what you'd said earlier in your essay. When you wrote that decisions made at 24 were different from those made by a more mature woman, how? You still seem bullied by the men in your life.

I know you have reasons, and I respect your grief at your miscarriage; but your journey isn't explained in the essay and I find that frustrating.

So let's review:

--Pregnancy 1: She's happy, she wants to have the baby, the man insists on an abortion, she has the abortion, and the decision affects her in profoundly negative ways for many years

--Pregnancy 5: She's happy, she wants to have the baby, the man insists on an abortion, and despite her previous experience she schedules an abortion

What is wrong with this picture?

My hope would be that those readers who would be incensed by the reverse scenario (she wants an abortion, man coerces her to have the child) will be equally indignant about the author's situation. Yes, she is responsible for the choices she made, but her story illustrates an issue rarely mentioned in discussions of abortion--how often is the choice of abortion not really the woman's choice at all?

Life is so full of opportunities, and choices. It's impossible to take them all. It's natural to feel sadness and regret sometimes at the roads not taken. However I think the author is doing herself a real disservice by not taking full responsibility for the choices she has made. When she had a termination at 23 she was doing the best she could do with what she knew at the time. Just as, if she'd had the baby then she would have had to do the best she could in that situation with what she knew at the time as well.

Furthermore, to my mind the decision to bring a child into the world is ideally made by both parents. If the prospective father doesn't want to have a child then that should be given weight and respect by the prospective mother in making her decision whether to terminate the pregnancy or not.

>how often is the choice of abortion not really the woman's choice at all?

When they live in a liberal democracy that gives them the right to choose. Feeling bullied and feeling like you don't have a choice is a completely different reality from the many countries in the world today where women don't have a choice and are forced to have terminations - or babies they don't want for that matter.

With choice comes responsibility. You can't have it both ways. In this case, the woman had the choice, and she chose. She could have had the baby and screw the consequences. She chose not to. What's more, she is now free to talk about it, to have ambivalent feelings about it, and to mourn it. All of which is great. And again, her choice.

And how often is the choice of abortion not really the man's choice at all? The feelings of both parents should count when it comes to termination or having children, and the whole woman-as-victim-of-her-reproductive abilities is getting very, very, very tired.

The comments so far have been remarkably callous toward Ms. Maynard. I'm embarrassed on behalf of the Salon community.

I found myself, while reading Ms. Maynard's story, wondering what the men in her life were thinking even bringing up the topic of abortion. Perhaps I misunderstand what the typical "pro choice" individual believes, but I've always thought that not only does the ultimate decision to abort lie with the woman in whom the fetus is growing, but the start of the conversation as well. It is wildly inappropriate for anyone (except perhaps a medical doctor, if the situation warrants it) to suggest a woman have an abortion. The most the woman's sexual partner (or her parents, her friends, her psychologist) gets to do is be supportive of her decision.

>It is wildly inappropriate for anyone (except perhaps a medical doctor, if the situation warrants it) to suggest a woman have an abortion. The most the woman's sexual partner (or her parents, her friends, her psychologist) gets to do is be supportive of her decision.

What a shame, then, when the child is born and the father's feelings have not been taken into account. This letter reveals the level of participation expected of men generally in the areas of contraception, reproduction and parenthood, and generally it's no where near enough.

The woman's sexual partner will be required to do a great deal more than merely be supportive of the mother, for their lifetime, if they have a child. So it would be best for all concerned if they were to consult their real feelings about the issue and communicate them as sensitively, yet as clearly, as they can, while there is still a choice to be made.

See, I don't see this as particularly an issue about a mother, or a father. I see it as primarily an issue about a child. A child who has the right to be loved, to be wanted, and to be taken care of. A child who will need to know who their father is, and who will have to deal with the circumstances of their birth.

If a man is just not up for doing that then a good mother has got to take that into account. Not necessarily as the all deciding factor, but, certainly, it's a very important one.

The 'missing fathers' in our culture are legion. It's time to start problematising that. And they're missing right from the start.

That's not very fair. Of course the decision lies with the woman, but the man's opinion deserves to be taken into account. Pregnancy only physically affects women but it has a financial and emotional effect on men. Give the "dads" a break.

Sounds to me like there is a lot more to this story than the abortions, and I second the recommendation of therapy.