If the wine sipper actually gives up his racing for this marriage, and the librarian actually lets him, they both deserve what will come.

You need to let him race. Period. End of Story. I know you do not want to do this. I know this seems antithetical but this is his passion, and removing that from his life removes what you fell in love with. You fell in love with a passionate man who lived for something you were unable to understand. However, it is that very passion I am sure you valued, although you may not realize it. And now it is gone. Embrace what it is you do not understand and you will find the meaning behind it. This is not all about you. It never was.

He was forced to give it all up in an ultimatum to satisfy your "set of hard-won values". What about his "set of hard-won values"? Values are subjective, relative and not always portable. Nor do I think this should mean that he is free to schedule everything around race weekends (which are probably only once every three weeks...), but it should not mean he has to give up this passion completely. He needs to find a new balance, as do you.

Why is racing the only problem and not the fact that he lets his friends say hurtful things to and about her, and he sides with them? What did he say and do when she told him what his friend whispered in her ear? Did she even tell him and if not, why the hell not? Why did he feel the need to tell her the awful things his 'friends' said while they were on their honeymoon? Isn't it a problem to feel the need to check your messageboards while on a secluded honeymoon? He can still race and not be a part of a group of close-minded, misogynistic jerks. And I agree with the other postings: an ultimatum will only destoy the relationship, slowly but surely.

About ten years ago, when I was in ninth grade, I printed an FAQ about becoming a motorcycle roadracer. I found the papers in a drawer in my room not long ago. The author states that racing is better than sex, drugs, and money, which is good, because one needs to give up all three in order to do it.

I identify with some of this essay. I've found myself desiring human interaction, but then I end up in a group setting where people do and say things that leave me uncomfortable at best.

"tbolioli" has GOT to be kidding. He should keep racing? She's helping him deal with a bizarre, dangerous addiction. If he were shooting up heroin, should she also encourage him, because "that's who he is"??

There are a million risks in motorcycling...and yet life is risk. I think people turn to drugs and alcohol because they have not figured out how to fulfill the need for managed risk.

There is an absolutely wonderful article about this subject in Motorcyclist magazine published a couple of years ago. If you try to suppress this outlet in your mate, his spirit will shrink.

Take the motorcycle safety course and see if you can join him in this adventure. I never liked riding on the back of anyone's bike, so this is one reason I took the course myself (I am also a mother). Now, I don't think I could live without my motorcycle..

How is this any different than the tired stale plots of 1001 romance novels:

Refined woman swept off her feet by a brawny daredevil. Tensions ensue when their two worlds clash. Will they make it?

This was terrible and trite - the author makes no attempts to get past her preconceived notions of what motorcycle racers are like. She forcefully drops in references like (I paraphrase): "He even read Cervantes! (In the Original Spanish!)" Her unceasing attempts to paint her husband as both educated and erudite in spite of his mechanical passions is tired, elitist and classist, and says more about the author than it ever can about her husband.

Racing is the husband's first love and Bauer's writing reads like the scorned mistress. What did she really expect to come out of this situation?

he has made a strong commitment to you by giving up racing. I believe you can make it easier for him by moving towards a middle ground and keeping motorized two wheeled transport in your life and sharing that with him.

try recreational rides for weekends away. Ride two-up at first and then try it yourself after taking the motorcycle safety foundation training course.

Move away from the testosterone fueled bikes to something more family-oriented like some of the touring bikes. Look at some of the maxi scoots like the silverwing or the Burgman.

I wish you the best of luck dealing with his biker friends however. you may need to find a new community of riders to be friends with. Believe it or not, there are civilized riding communities.

Best of luck in making it work. I hope you find the path you need to be on.

Kohl's is where poor people shop? The horror! And enough with librarian stereotypes - I've been one for five years and I'm neither plain nor dowdy, thank you very much. What is it with potshots against librarians?

I feel sorry for that man. He's giving up way too much. His friends should be concerned. They know him better than his bride does. They know he'll be back. Tired, bruised, and sad. He'll go back to his friends and they'll heal him with beer, crude jokes, and teasing. They'll get him good and properly laid.

Sadly, they also know he'll come back weaker, slower, and less mentally focused. Hence, more likely to crash.

For those of you that don't understand racing, think what it might be like to excel at meditation. You can clear your mind and join with the moment. Racing, when you're in the groove, is very centering. That is the "addiction" you want to cure. Different people reach zen in different ways. Find your own.