Before our baby joined us out here, all of our friends said, "Oh, you'll never sleep again" and "Oh, your life will never be the same" and "Eat out in a restaurant now, because it's the last time that you will". They scared the crap out of us. The funny thing that they neglected to tell us is, it's totally worth it. Yep, I now survive on less than 6 hours of sleep a night, yep, my life isn't the same, and yep, I now eat out about once a month instead of 3 times a week. But holy crap I am having the time of my life. If I'd known how much fun this would be, I would have done it years ago.

I once heard a proverb, "Children are God's way of saying you sleep too much". Though I'm not spiritual, I like the metaphor.

Good luck and have fun.

Ok, this is exactly the sort of thing I would write, if I was about to become a mother. But I figured out that I'm not ready to have offspring.

At 3am when my cat wakes me up by sticking his whiskers in my ear, I'll think of you in your self-imposed hell. Then I'll roll over and go back to sleep.

Was this article supposed to be funny? I worry that you are fixated on portraying your child as a parasite. Too many "lamphreys". I kept waiting for the turnaround to, "But what do my mother's friends know?" but it never came. Have you considered adoption?

One feeling you might get is when looking at this new tiny person, you'll be thinking, "Hey, little baby, where are your real parents? When are they coming by to take care of you?" Don't worry, that passes in a couple weeks.

Helm

Enjoy your leave - but not too much because I want to see you back...

. . . but, while it's happening it will still feel like that's the right thing to do. What's more, the being a successful writer, yadda, yadda will really seem pointless, or beside the fact. Meaning, you get to lose all the fear and self-recrimination and need to write something that prooves your worthiness to exist- that writerly stuff. You might in the beginning, struggle with the fog, the sleep deprevation- but eventually you'll adjust. And when you do, you might find it easier. You might even come to find it FUN! Imagine!

Having babies, and becoming utterly absorbed in the babies at the expense of your self- Can have the positive effect of losing yourself. Freedom from self! Or at least a reallignment regarding your vision of your self.

It's taken a few years but I am really working on getting the kids to stay out of the bathroom while I'm in there. This is beginning to feel important. I'm taking a stand.

Also, my oldest son and I have this odd- and to me (and to him) very amusing joke between us.

It won't sound right just typing it, but I say to him - he's 8.

"When I am very old and you are all grown up, you will take care of me for ever and ever"

To which he responds with a full on grin, "when you are very old, I will move far, far away."

I threaten to follow him around the globe and he names all the different places he'll move to to get away from me. And I don't know how we ended up with this odd call and response, but it's pretty funny- And I think he's learning a lot about geography this way.

Good luck!

It's really just like your friends say it is, but somehow still oddly great.

That wasn't how I felt and that wasn't what any of my friends told me.

There are so many responses, I didn't have time to read them all! So I'm probably repeating someone, but I had to throw this in.

I felt just like this article at the end of my pregnancy, too-- at one point I begged my cousin (a mom), "Tell me something that will make me want to do this!"

But what no one told me was, through all of that which you describe, your Lamprey will be there. And when your baby's there, and you love them so, it's like having your favorite person with you all the time. When the going gets tough, you look down, and there's the Lamprey, blinking back up at you and you think-- or at least I did-- that as long as he was there, I could handle anything. That's what makes it easier.

Oh, yeah, and at first they sleep all the time so you get a break that way, too. Plus, other than your gorgeous prose, your job is largely to watch a lot of TV, and you will definitely have time for that.

I want to join in with the person who ask that people quit bashing attachment parenting. It's a lot like working from home, in the sense that where traditionally there were artificial barriers (driving to your office, or in this case, sleeping in separate rooms), now things are blurred. It's just about blurring those lines in the way that feels the most comfortable to you and your baby. Or, it is also analagous to getting married. Yes, in a lot of ways your life bends to accomodate eating with, being with, and sleeping with your new spouse, but people don't ususally get accused of blindly subjugating their own lives for their spouses. AP isn't slavery any more than marriage is, which is to say, as much as you let it and if you let it too much you have other problems.

Congrats, Heather, and believe me, you have nothing to worry about until the sullen teen stage. At that point, god help us all.

And I'm not a mother, so I really don't know exactly how true for each individual mom, but this:

"I will remind my friends that American children have the distinct advantage of being the center of their parents' universes, and without overzealous, overbearing helpings of attention and care, they'll never grow up to be neurotic, overachieving, ulcerous mutants that fit neatly into our society's soulless, workaholic culture."

was hilarious and brilliant. Thank you for sharing your wit with the Salon masses!