Somewhere along the information technology and the communication age broke the code of silence. Women seem to enjoy scaring each other and particularly pregnant mothers. I always thought that it added to the macho woman persona to scare expectant mothers.

Think of the first 3 months as being in this bubble--a friend called it her underwater period. Enter the bubble and just go along with the program you make. My old Greek mother was wonderful in the bubble: she made soups, gave me beer, rocked the baby to sleep and cooked dinner every evening. Embrace and prepare for the bubble and make it comfortable.

One piece of advice, if your baby sleeps don't tell anyone, it's a sure fire jinx. Complain about how the baby never sleeps--somehow sleeping babies bring on evil eyes stemming from envy that keep the little boogers from sleeping.

What they really don't tell you is what you really need to know: you fall in love with your baby. And it's falling in love without any of the mind games you get when you fall in love with an adult. There's a beauty beyond anything I've ever experienced in lying in bed with my newborn baby on top of me, warm and happy, fed and content and wanting to be nowhere else. Who cares about going to the movies? Who cares about dinner at Sonia's? Who cares about the office politics? It fades because you're in love. Yes, you're tired. Yes, your schedule changes. Yes, your breasts are being used in new ways. But it's love.

Another thing you're not told is that much of the tired parent talk is because, as you said, no one can stand to hear about how cute your baby is. That doesn't mean your baby isn't cute and the greatest thing that has ever been born in the history of mankind. To you it is. And it should be. But most others can't stand to hear it. So when we talk about our kids, we moan about the long nights, the fevers, the sassing, the tantrums, the bad grades, the tired breasts. We can't say what we really think because no one wants to hear it. "I'd do it over and over if it meant this little baby could sleep better. I'd do it a million times over if it meant this child would be more comfortable right now. By the way, want to see some pictures? I have 17 right here in my wallet!"

My children are 12 and 14 now. I am still in love. They're funny, they're smart, they're polite. They're very far from perfect but I love them and wouldn't trade these years for anything. Have fun with your last month of pregnancy. Have fun with the newborn. Have fun with the terrific twos, with the tantrums, with the incredibly silly things they say, with the parent teacher conferences, with the new music, with the car rides, with the long nights and with the teenagers/college students/adults they will become. Most of all, shut out those other voices and just let the experience be what it is for you. I'll bet you have fun.

Q

That's what a friend called the newborn phase. As a first-time mother in her thirties and career-driven, I found it very hard. Especially the sleep deprivation. I did not appreciate the rosy picture that forgetful mothers painted of this period. (Gee, said my sister, grinding in the guilt, I LOVED the newborn stage.) Nor did I appreciate the breast-feeding mafia (I refused to "pump" and my daughter is just fine.)

I wish you and your baby well - and forget all the experts, all the (unsolicited) advice (including mine). Just be yourself. And do take some selfish moments now and again. Work it out among the three of you. Hard as it is, if all are healthy, it does pass. Babies are emphatically not lampreys. They do get cute - I mean, seriously cute. And they are interesting. Fascinating, really. Funny, and genuine.

The best thing anyone said to me was that I didn't have to be a great mother - just good enough.

are the ones who have one easy, compliant kid and who think that their extra-super-fabulous parenting skillz are why the kid is the way s/he is, and your kid would be easy and compliant too if only you do things exactly the way they do. And of course, the subtext of that is that if your kid isn't easy or compliant it's your own fault for not being sufficiently prepared or for picking the wrong parenting philosophy.

Those people will find out how lucky they got the first time around when they have a second kid.

My hormonal haze of idiotic happiness lasted well through the first year. Like you, I had built up the fear of the unknown to such epic proportions that reality was quite a relief. It really isn't that hard.

My advice: only seek advice from mothers over the age of 70. They have the wisdom of seeing how it all turned out. Mothers in the heat of battle tend to have their egos so wrapped up in the fight that they can't imagine there's more than one way to do it.

Perfectionism is the road to insanity.

In addition to the Brazelton books recommended above, I highly recommend Andrea Buchanan's Mother Shock. It discusses both the hard-to-capture joys of first-time parenting and its nightmare aspects, but in a hilarious, nonthreatening way. It's a great antidote to both the scare stories and the intimidating idealized descriptions of how we're supposed to feel and behave.

What a sad, cynical article... I can't imagine why any woman would make the decision to have a baby if their outlook were like yours. For what it's worth, I"m 30 weeks pregnant myself, and I haven't had anyone regale me with stories of how horrible it is going to be. I wouldn't care if they did. I *want* this baby. I am ready for the sleepless nights. (Insomuch as you can be ready for a thing like that!) I'm more ready for the cuddles, first gorgeous gummy baby smiles, holding my little one, and raising a woman who can be strong and intelligent and self-determined.

Is motherhood going to be the hardest thing ever? Absolutely. Is it going to be miserable as your article describes? Well, have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies?