Well, your friends definitely aren't lying to you-- just about everything you said about the early months is, while I know this peice was intended as comedy, true. My baby is four months old. The first week I cried every day. I was not prepared, although I am not sure if I'd had friends like yours that I would have really understood how hard it was until I lived it. You know what kicked my ass the most? Breastfeeding and sleep loss. I am sure you've heard about these over and over but let me tell you, focus your attention on those two issues and drop the rest of it. Everyone tells you how wonderful breastfeeding is, but when you do it, you are signing up for serious pain and discomfort in the early days and a wall-to-wall night and day commitment in the early months. Mercifully, you get good at it after awhile. As for sleep loss? You never get good at it. It takes a little peice of your life force every single day, and it goes on and on.

However, your baby will be a gorgeous little doughnut who you will love with the fire of 1,000 suns and you will not for a second think of him/her as a lamprey or one of these other ridiculous reductive child-free type labels for babies. You won't want to be away from the baby for a second, and suddenly the attachment parenting weirdness won't seem so weird.

Best of luck to you!

You need new friends. Seriously, who are these scary people? Look around, most of us who've weathered the new parent thing find that we're changed, for sure, but all big life transitions are tiring and have a steep learning curve. You'll discover that each stage of parenthood is challenging and rewarding and once you've mastered breastfeeding there's middle school and SATs to face. My advice is this -- don't talk to too many parents -- hold this thought until they're in college. Other parents always make it seem harder and scarier than it usually turns out to be. You need fewer experts,tutors, enriching camps than they'll tell you. Trust your instincts and have fun. Get a little sleep when you can.

I didn't realize a subscription to Modern Mother came with my Salon Premium.

Heather,

I'm with Slingshot on his suggestion of mix tapes of music that isn't "baby" music. I had one little music box that played a few kid songs like Farmer In the Dell, but the stuff I liked the best was my parent's collection of jazz and classical. I suspect they played it when I was a baby, and I remember at age four asking to be taught how to use the hi-fi (and how to hold an album) so that I could play records without waiting for them to do it. Sarah Vaughn and Jimmy Smith were soooo much better than the early sixties equivalent of Raffi.

Let me add that, while I wish you all the best with the lamprey, I am worried that you won't be able to tell us loyal chickens what wondrous awfulness exists on TV every week; and how can I keep up with America's Top Model without a healthy dose of well written snark to counteract the bilious Banks?

As I write, I sit attached to a double breast pump. My nipples are periodically being pulled into tubes. And I don't mind one bit. In fact, I kind of enjoy it. What possible explanation could there be for such madness?

Postpartum depression's yin has a yang: postpartum hyper-confidence and delusion.

I'm glad your friends let you in on the dirtiest of the secrets, for there is no doubt that the challenges are fierce. But the Hormone Wheel spins up, too. Between crying fits and sleepless fogs, you will be filled with a smug sureness that *both* nature and nurture are on your side.

Where did my 3-month-old lamprey get that incredible set of eyes? Me! The perfect ears? Me! The lovely, reddish blonde hair? Okay, that's Jim's, but *I* chose him! Why did she sleep through the night/hold her head up/flip from front to back/coo/smile/giggle at 2 months? Because I give her pure love. *My* milk surely did that. I made her! She is the cutest freaking thing that I have ever seen. I have no idea how people keep their hands off of her when we go out in public. Why are they not worshipping my baby?

Clearly, these are some powerful chemicals. Enjoy the ride!

this is the funniest, most brilliant thing I've ever read. thank you!

It's her insulting and contemptuous TV reviews. It would be too much for me to hope that those would improve with the birth of her child, although the realization that she is not the only human being in the world would be a positive development.

It's taking all my will to avoid saying something cruel and pointless about a woman near to giving birth. Yes, I do have that much anger at the stuff she writes, and the fact that she is one of the few writers remaining on the earth who can get a paycheck for writing. I have tried to mentally walk in her shoes. It would have to be mentally, because one pair of her shoes costs more than my monthly salary.

Of course childbirth is a terrible burden, catastrophic to the psyche and frightening physically. But of course, it is only being written about because Havrilesky is undergoing it now. I don't sense she would be sympathetic to any other woman going through it, and five months later, she'll be back to insulting her readers and possibly any pregnant woman she comes across.

Dang Heather, I wonder why you're having kids if you think it's as bad as all that?

Yes, it is completely overwhelming and all-consuming. So is falling in love. So is every important event in your life. It should be.

I had a horrible birth with my son, and some PTSD afterwards as a result (not joking), but if you're well prepared for your baby's arrival mentally (as much as you can be) you'll do just fine.

I had a nasty C-section recovery, but breastfeeding went great, my baby was not colicky, and he quickly became the love of my life. Well, next to my husband, that is.

I've also never been so fulfilled careerwise. I started my own business when my son was a year old, and it's booming, but I control my hours and my effort. I was a corporate go-getter before, and still could be, but life is way better now.

My writing is much more inspired. My emotions are deeper. I feel more focused and more together.

I've never had so many friends before, either. Motherhood is a powerful bonding experience, baby, and there are a lot of smart, cool, educated moms out there who are great company. And no, we don't just talk about kids. We talk about hiking, travel, literature, food, careers, balancing life and work...pretty much the same stuff that childless people talk about. Except slightly less vapid and self-absorbed.

One thing that made becoming a mom so much easier for me was following Attachment Parenting principles. If you think it's more work, then you don't know much about it, which you frankly admit, at least. If I were you, I'd get a copy of Dr. Sears' Baby Book, and FAST.

Rather than becoming a slave to your child, you are simply attached emotionally. You communicate better with your baby, so they don't need to cry so much to get your attention. You treat your child as a person, not a thing or an object.

Yes, I breastfed my son. Yes, I slept with him. Yes, I wore him in a variety of carriers. And you know what? It made life so much easier. He hardly ever cried, I never had to get out of bed to feed him in the middle of the night, he wasn't fearful, or colicky, or fussy, or lonely or scared or neurotic. He still isn't, at age 2.5.

Babies and children are supposed to be close to their mothers and fathers. That's the way it works. My husband and I aren't slaves. We're parents raising a family. We go out to eat, we travel, we read, we work, we play. We keep up on politics, current events and movies. Maybe we're watching movies on Netflix instead of in the theater, but who cares?

For us, life is better and richer now that we have a child. There have been some major challenges along the way, of course. But we love each other more than ever. Life is deeper and more satisfying. It's also simpler.

And when we do need a break sometimes, which is normal, there's always Grandma, our trusted babysitter, and preschool mornings.

In fact, it's so good being parents that we wanted one more. I'm due with our second boy in late January.

Seriously, I think you're just hanging out with the wrong crowd. Those moms sound wacked. Calm down and enjoy the ride a little.

Pick up Dr. Sears' Baby Book. It will make things waaaaay easier for you. Don't believe all the crap that mainstream moms feed you about attachment parenting. They're the ones with post-partum depression and colicky kids that grow up to be nightmare toddlers and then scary teenagers.

The most powerful tool at your disposal right now is education. That perfect mom in the park? Uh, hate to say it, but she's not perfect, she's just PREPARED. She probably took a breastfeeding class, she has a good relationship with her child, she took a nap that afternoon, and she remembered to pack healthy snacks for both her and the kid.

Don't knock her for having her sh*t together. Being a good mom and a happy mom is 99% planning.

BTW, my son was potty-trained at 14 months too. If you didn't hate me before, I'll bet you do now. ;-) But it was all the research that I did when pregnant that made the difference. If you've got a closed mind though, it won't help.

So you've got 4 weeks left. Make the most of it.