Anecdote you might enjoy: just last night, my sweet 18-month-old daughter woke up at 11:00 pm and did not go back to sleep until 3:30 am!! As the hours ticked by and I tried everything to get her back to sleep, I was reaching a state of sleep-deprived desperation. I brought her back to her room and put her in her crib, practically crying. I held her face close to mine and said despairingly, "WHY are you doing this? You need to sleep! I need to sleep! It's sleepytime! Now lay down in your crib and go to sleep!" So she looks at me, grabs her Winnie the Pooh and lays down and does the most hilarious fake snores I ever heard: SNNNNNNKKKKKK-SHOOOOOOOOO, SNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKK-SHOOOOOOO! Then she looks at me with this little shit-eating grin and I just burst out laughing. Take heart, kids are awesome.

It is the cool thing to do these days: describe motherhood as if it was hell. I remember reading a similar article in a Brooklyn local paper two years ago. Didn't think much of that one either.

But really, what does that mean? What is described (exaggerated) here, is incidental. This article is not about being a mom but it's about life's anecdotes - bloated out of proportions. One could write a similar article about any topic, really. It doesn't mean much...

Here what is experienced by most woman: motherhood is feeling love for another human beingin a way that can't be described with a fitting word. From there, you can do anything.

Period.

Unless, of course, you are normally on Prozac and decided to stop taking your medication to have a child.

PS: I have three kids under the age of 5.

..has just set herself up (or her friends have set her up)

to be pleasantly surprised. Always good to keep realistic

or low expectations!

Screw em, Heather, you'll do great and the gloom and doomers will gnash their teeth.

signed, mother to a 12 year old who had a year of colic

and lived to see the other side.

...for that charming bit of gallows humor. It's oddly comforting to explore that route a bit. If I ever have kids I'm going to re-read your article to keep me from freaking out.

Wow with a view like this yes your kid will grow up to hate you! and you will be a crappy mom! Why bother? There is honor in not having kids. But aside from all the hard work, sleepless night and constant worry there is nothing like it in the world. Enjoy!

Look, folks. If you're not ready for parenthood, then do all you can do to not have children. Is that so fucking hard?

And if you do, remember adoption is a valid option. Do your child a favor.

Is 1000% complete bullshit. All of it. Everyone will tell you the wrong thing. So just ignore it do what you think is best Heather. Because, I repeat - every single human on the planet will tell you bullshit about bullshit about child rearing. They are all, without exception absolutely wrong.

No one told me about this "inevitible" outcome of extreme depression when I was about to have my daughter. Lucky for me, as I can be very impressionable. My emotional/biochemical/hormonal makeup following (24 hours of major pain) labor was less like depression and more like what you get when you fall in love. Why, I don't know. I think it must be biological. Otherwise our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have left the little screaming poop producing units out on rocks at night for the mountain lions to dispose of.

I wonder, actually, if the depression is more likely to come to women who don't get the horomone dump following the (often excruciating) pain of labor. (Ask the s&m people. Maybe they know what's up with that.) It seems you get a pretty nice download of pleasant horomones/biochemicals when you nurse too. Don't know.

Don't worry too much about nursing. When my kid was two days old I fell asleep next to her and woke up to find her nursing through my t-shirt. The little grubs are hardwired for this. It is what they do. Eat, sleep, poo. Repeat.

I mean, I know some people encounter problems with various parts of parenthood. I did. (Sleep deprivation is the fastest way to insanity!) But I believe a lot of people create problems for new mothers by indoctrinating them w/ worrisome stories. Stories of mothers who have done awful things while suffering post-partum depression pop up in the media all the time, but the idea that such depression is inevitable is a load of c-r-a-p as far as I can tell. This is not a fad to embrace.

Give yourself permission to be blissfully happy and in love with your newborn. You will be busy, tired, and most likely (hopefully?) totally stoked on the whole situation. And yes, I do hope your partner helps with the diapers!

funny article, clever, well written....btw Heather....everything falls into place...really...I thought the same thing. It will be okay. To everyone out there screaming at her....shut up.

...is how you're friends never tell you this stuff BEFORE you get pregnant.

Hysterical, to be sure.

Sign me Single With No Dependents (and spare me the "you're missing out" crap)

Just don't lose your humor.

Awwww. You stirred up a lot of memories, not the least of which was the dreadful moment in the hospital when I realized there was no warranty and no returns on this screeching first baby of mine.

The infant in question is now nearly 25 and a joy to me in ways I couldn't have anticipated back then. He was one of those colicky, sleepless babies who didn't sleep through the night until after his two years younger brother did, and life with him has been one long wild ride, but the adventure of a lifetime, too. He's launched, now, and I get to watch (sometimes through my fingers) as he makes his way in the world.

Just hang in there, hang on, and learn what you can. Pay no attention to Perfect Moms, Perfect Children, or opinionated "experts" in the grocery store aisle; they're fakes. Get yourself a Committee of people you think of as sensible Good parents and then when you don't know what to do, survey 'em.

It will be ok.