Seriously, if you don't have a good, dark sense of humor you will not survive. Although satire, the first several paragraphs are a scarily similar description of my experience of motherhood during the first two years. Wait until that baby comes out, and reread your great essay after six months--some will have changed from satire to accurate fact.

No matter how much it can suck, it does get easier, and all platitudes aside, it's worth it. My four year old and I were walking down the street in our neighborhood recently. One of the townhomes was having some work done on their concrete stoop, so there was yellow "caution" tape strung across the entry. My daughter paused and asked, "Are they dead?".

You can't buy entertainment like that.

There's actually evidence that shows having kids does NOT cause happiness. Married people are happy before they have kids and are happy again as empty nesters, but are NOT happy during the child-raising years. Read Daniel Gilbert's book, Stumbing on Happiness. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

Of course, I "get" Heather's joke, but maybe it's actually true...

As a Salon subscriber, I'm not sure how this was supposed to add value to my day. In fact, my day would have been marginally better off had I not read this negative rant. I am pregnant with my first child and I too am a bundle of nerves and worry. I know my life is about to change immensely. The constant unsolicited advice, back pains, breast soreness, and inability to eat and drink foods that I love are but small inconveniences compared to what's to come. Yes this is a major pain in the neck. But I thank God everyday for this baby. For 33 years, no one to look after but myself. I'm ready to start devoting my time to someone else for a change, and one cannot get good at this overnight. I am learning how to sacrifice little by little, and while it's not fun at first it gets easier. Heather, I hope that in your moments of frustration you will think back to your decision to become a mother in the first place, and to carry out that commitment with gratitude and courage.

When I had my first baby waaaaay back in 1996, I thought that it would be just GREAT! Labor would be fine, if I just prepared for it! I would be totally fufilled as a woman. Breast feeding is "easy" and "natural." I would spend happy hours gazing at my beautiful bundle of joy. My body would look just like it did before, with a little exercise...

Let's just say the comedown was pretty hard.

So I guess what's going on now is that the mommies are telling you the horrors so that you will be pleasantly surprised. Because when I was told only about how GREAT it was going to be, I felt like "a total impostor, a crappy mom, a complete failure."

You, my darling little whoring sea donkey (thanks for that one!), will think that you are da woman! And if any of those nasty little thoughts flits through your head, at least you will not be under the false impression that you are the first freak to ever feel that way. I felt AWFUL guilt what I at times just hated my firstborn.

BTW. Lamprey is the most perfect description of a large fetus/newborn baby that I have ever heard. And drink the damn coffee if it doesn't make the lamprey cranky. It's considered fine this year. And the Europeans believe that a nice beer helps you make more milk. I found out that I had a gift for lactation. I wanted to enter me and my beautifu chubby babies in the Cow and Calf section of the State Fair. And I wasted all that time in college!

I love your writing. Dear God! I wish for you a baby that sleeps for long stretches in it's moses basket while you write!!! For totally selfish reasons.

Best of luck!!!!!

Congrats, goddess Heather, on the impending arrival of your little lamprey. As many have pointed out, the only thing missing from your hard-hearted, Grinch-ian take on parenting is LOVE. Please promise us...once you are through the really difficult, mind-numbing first three months (I mean, waking people up every 3 hours...that's how they torture prisoners @ Abu Graib) that you will write about the overwhelming, all-consuming LOVE you feel for your child. I agree with previous LW...it sounds awful on paper, you would never feel this way about anyone else's kid, but when it's YOUR kid who is sick and feverish, you truly aren't thinking about your own deprivation, you're only thinking about how you can make your child feel better. And the relief and comfort you are able to provide are so gratifying. It's called unconditional love, it is completely selfless, and it is the whole point of being on this planet (to love unconditionally, not necessarily kids).

I thought this was going to be an article actually ABOUT something, but with a perhaps overly long attempt at humor as an introduction. Instead what I thought was the introduction just went on and on and ultimately the article wasn't about anything at all. Why was it on Salon's "front page!?" It didn't even qualify as 'infotainment,' as it had no real information in it..... and it wasn't entertaining either.

I laughed heartily over this article, and thought it was a great addition to my day (unlike some of the other posters here). You must have a sense of humor about parenting, or you will be miserable. The article was a hilarous yet quite truthful recap of the kind of things you think and feel during the first few months of motherhood. Of course it tends to be an experience that those of us who have been through it can identify with best, but then again we read Salon too.

I value these kinds of articles, always read them, usually enjoy them, and see nothing wrong with exploring America's current cultural expectations of parenthood, an event that certainly does change your life like no other. Thanks for the laughs Heather, and good luck.