Ditch the baby songs and baby music, do mix tapes of 50s Frank Sinatra and whatever music YOU like that is both jolly and soothing. Don't dumb-down your converation, be as quick, witty and irreverent talking to your child as you would be in conversation with adults, s/he will be stimulated by it and will seek to emulate you.

It wasn't. I am really tired of women picking on or satirizing or ridiculing other women. If you can't figure out how to ignore the sillier fears of your friends and be happy with your child, try keeping it to yourself and pretending otherwise.

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. My own lampreys are 19 and 15, but I can still remember the terror of looming failures. I promise, you're just oozing hormones right now. Not that your fears aren't valid -- some of them are, but mostly the ones on page 2. Babies are easy, nursing is a breeze. Sleep, though -- by the time you've caught up on sleep, the kid will have a learner's permit.

Meanwhile, he or she won't remember the gazillion walks (in the night or to the park) or the endless repetitions of Goodnight, Moon, or any of that lovely stuff over which you (and I, and the rest of us) will someday weep at the assisted living facility where they've stashed us, hoping to have the time to visit.

But all of that front-end loaded love will be in their emotional infrastructure somewhere, and if you (and I, and the rest of us) are lucky, you'll see for yourself that the frets and fears and insecurity made you a good parent, because the lamprey has survived till adulthood and produced your grandlampreys, who will think you are as wonderful as their parents thought you were when they were little. And they'll be right.

Have a wonderful birth!

...Don't let your children near the TV, especially the shit you watch and write about.

Don't let them near your self-serving, bitching friends, either.

And please...Salon already has one Ayelat Waldman. The planet doesn't need another.

Due in a month, that is. This is kid #2, and your friends are not wrong about the newborn period. It is not fun. It's, like, the total opposite of fun. But once you get through that they start to have a personality and then it starts to be the opposite of the opposite of fun. Plus, you're sleeping more which makes everything better.

You should come hang out at Table Talk, especially if you have questions or problems. TT got me through the newborn period with kid #1. A lot of smart, cool, experienced people hang out there and will be happy to help you get through the rough parts. Just don't call them your chickens.

Due in a month, that is. This is kid #2, and your friends are not wrong about the newborn period. It is not fun. It's, like, the total opposite of fun. But once you get through that they start to have a personality and then it starts to be the opposite of the opposite of fun. Plus, you're sleeping more which makes everything better.

You should come hang out at Table Talk, especially if you have questions or problems. TT got me through the newborn period with kid #1. A lot of smart, cool, experienced people hang out there and will be happy to help you get through the rough parts. Just don't call them your chickens.

Don't worry, your writing career wasn't that promising.

Don't despair already! You'll have years to do that :). If motherhood was only those true and crazy fears and insecurities, the world would be full of only children. The truly awe-inspiring feelings you'll have for your baby will outweigh (though sometimes BARELY) the fatigue and monotony that is the sacrifice we make when we go beyond ourselves to become parents and HAVE to think about someone other than ourselves. I have three lampreys, ages 6,3, and 1. The more kids I have, the less I know, which isn't a bad thing. It just means that I'm a little less of a know-it-all, less judgmental, and more accepting of my own and others foibles and follies. Girl, you are already there.

Best wishes for a healthy baby and mommy Heather. Come back to us whenever you feel like it.

Of course people will post nasty things to you. They are jealous. What I know and they don't want you to know is how lucky you are to be having a baby.

One can only assume Ms. Havrilesky's offspring will be a shining ball of light-- after all, we're talking a chip off the old block, right? Right?? Hmmm. On second thought, better check to see how many sixes are on the little pud when it hatches. I hope karma's just a lovely fairy tale, otherwise all those metric tons of snarkiness she's released over the years are gonna tidal wave back on her.

Better put yer wellies on, Ms. H...

My lamprey is almost 13, so up until the surly teenager stuff, I can attest that Mommie Fearest has got it, amazingly, right.

what is missing is the x-factor: the lamprey him/herself, and that Mommie F. will fall in love with the lamprey. It will be HER little lamprey. Which is why it will suck when the lamprey hangs up. But it is also a rite of passage to be on the other end of the phone - one must be able to tolerate being hated by one's offspring. Our job is to raise them to leave us. Their job is to grow up. It's a pay-it-forward kind of thing.

Hopefully MF will live to see the lamprey's lampreys. There's the love with none of the responsibility or guilt. You can spoil 'em rotten and it's not your problem.

Just ask my mother.

...and while I realize I will be flamed for this, but nutmeg (the spice) and the plant mugwort are potent abortifacients when consumed in sufficient (read: toxic) quantities. Before everyone starts screaming at me, just think about it. It may keep the author from pulling a Susan Smith later on, or having to go through the difficult process of separation involved in adoption.

Or--better--you could take the advice of some other people here and relax about the whole parenthood thing. Dr. Spock was right in many ways, but perhaps the most important was convincing parents that they know more than they think. So really, please don't take my earlier advice; it was in jest, and lest anyone else here feel the need to say, "Just get an abortion," I've taken care of it already, so you don't need to say it.