Letters to the Editor
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Pitiful
If the essay is not a joke, it’s much about nothing. You ask, “But what to do when the desire -- on the part of at least one party, anyway -- shows no real sign of abating?” Geez, Ms. Woodburn, it sounds like your four-year old runs the house. Just cut your child off and be done with it if it’s not what you want. Kids don’t need everything they want.
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You will both be fine
Breastfeeding your son for these last few special times is not "spoiling" him, for G-d's sake. It's loving and comforting him. Some kids need that more than others. Geez, do these people who think you're raising a spoiled brat by comforting tell a sick or upset child to "just deal with it, kiddo?"
My biggest regret in raising my children was in forcing my oldest daughter to wean when she was 2 1/2 years old. I listened to all this crap about it being "my" issue, not hers, and about "spoiling" her, and about "keeping her too babyish." It was all crap. Do NOT listen to these people!
I refused to force weaning with my other children, one of whom went, like this child, past his 4th birthday. He's a fine, healthy, well-adjusted 8 year old.
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Issues or subscriptions?
The author makes her case for why she continues to breastfeed a four year old very carefully and tenderly, no question. That she loves her child is without question. And it's hard to tell a mother who loves her child that she's doing something to her child that is, quite frankly, of dubious value to her child and arguably quite harmful.
The real issue isn't whether breastfeeding is "sexual" or not. The point is that the breastfeeding at this point is of little actual utility (the writer openly admits that she isn't actually producing much milk), and the only reason that the practice is continuing is because the mother lacks the will to give it up and take on the necessary task of teaching her son how to soothe himself at night without using her breast. It's always bad parenting when a parent refuses to acknowledge that her child is engaging in behavior that is developmentally inappropriate for his age. Whether it's a six year old still walking around with her binky, or a child being allowed violent programming long before he is old enough,or a four-year old who's still nursing, it's all a species of the same thing. Children grow up in stages -- and it's the job of a parent to support our kids in making the transition from stage to stage, both by protecting from things they are too young for, AND encouraging them to give up the things they are too old for.
The fact that it's a common mistake parents make doesn't make it okay, nor does it make it "intolerant" to call the parent on it. Certainly no parent is perfect, and we're all entitled to make our mistakes. Parenting is a tough enough job without some insane pressure to be "perfect." But there's a line between being tolerant and forgiving of imperfection, and trying to transform a mistake into a virtue. The author's defense of what she's doing is nothing but a rationalization of her inability to give up the final vestige of her son's identity as a "baby", her unwillingness to be the parent, regardless of whether her son is happy about it.
What's creepiest about the article is this sly confessional tone, designed to make us believe that she really is ashamed of what she's doing and knows it's wrong, when in fact the whole purpose of writing the article in the first place is to justify her behavior. That it's about breastfeeding adds just enough salaciousness to make us fear appearing prudish by chiding her actions. In the end, it's all subterfuge designed to solicit our approval of her deliberate decision to engage in poor parenting. And I'm afraid I can't get behind that.
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I admit
I was pretty creeped out at first, but the author, if you keep reading, really lays out some interesting issues and ideas about the subject.
In any case, i'm glad salon publishes interesting essays like this that you can't find anywhere else.
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Bottle Baby
"Are the bottle-fed babies who sleep in cribs and taught 'independence' almost from birth turning out any more well-adjusted (sexually, socially, spiritually, whatever) than the 90% of babies in the world that are basically reared the same way babies have been reared since ancient times?
How are we doing as adults?"
Fine, thanks
"Are we porn-obsessed?"
Nope
"Just a little?"
Well, a little bit never hurt anybody.
"Are we dropping $4000 for boob jobs at age 18?"
No not me, I love my boobs
"Are we depressed, materialistic, alienated?"
None of those. Thanks.
Most of the world is as fucked up as we are or even more so, so it has always been and so it always shall be. You can't blame any of this stuff on breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. I mean, what are breast implants but the 20th-21st century equivalent of wasp-waisted corsets? Let's cut each other some slack-- this kid won't be messed up by this and babies that bottlefeed don't get messed up by that either.
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Weaning Junior
Uh, I think the weaning thing will probably happen when the other kids point and laugh. It'll be successful but not pretty...
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Seriously ...
Drawing on my hard-won wisdom as a battle-worn mother of a 17 month old, my reponse is this: are you truly seriously concerned? Or are you, as I suspect, just trying to think of something to write about, and children and mothering are proving to be endlessly rich seams of journalism shock value gold these days.
If you are seriously concerned then truly, I don't think it matters a jot. Let's try for a sense of proportion here: It's not like your child has some serious disability or problem which means you are very lucky to have the time and energy to worry about small beans like this. Sure some will disapprove and some won't. But that's just a symptom of the general judgement being rained down on parents from all sides these days. This just isn't something to worry about. It may end up being a happy memory for your child but before then I'm sure he'll go through a stage where it's a seriously gross-out one that may affect your relationship for a while. But I'd say that's as serious as the impact would be. If you love one another and trust one another then how much harm can it be? By the same token, if/when you decide it's time to stop you need to step up to the plate in your role as parent and enforce the decision. A friend of mine told her child that the milk had all run out. The child was proud to have been such a prodigious drinker. But whether your son accepts it or not it's important that he learns to accept and trust your judgement and you have to start that process sooner or later. So, when you think it's time - lovingly and firmly do it. Say 'it's over' and don't let yourself be swayed. Much more important than having his own way is to be able to trust that you will set consistent limits and protect him. Giving in and indulging a child can become frightening if they feel they are the ones 'in charge of the asylum' rather than you.
If you aren't really concerned though, and just thought you'd get something going here - then I wish you and all other journalists like you would stop. Don't you see your a part of the problem? The discourse about parenting has gotten way out of control. We don't need to hear WHO statistics on the 'right' time to stop breastfeeding, just like the mother of a one year old doesn't need to be arrested for taking a photo of her and her baby. This whole atmosphere of non stop ceaseless mind fucking over EVERY ASPECT of pregnancy, birth, infancy etc etc is madness and only breed neuroticism.
The earth is warming up people. Millions are dying of AIDS and malaria. The health system is breaking down. The thing that will most affect your child's prospects as an adult is your own economic status.
Let's get a sense of proportion and stop discussing, ad nauseum, these decisions that truly are best left up to the individual.